Harriette Cole: How can I tell my friend I dread our conversations?
DEAR HARRIETTE: My close friend constantly seeks my advice about the same relationship problems, but she never follows through on my suggestions.
It’s becoming a pattern that’s frustrating and exhausting for me. While I care deeply about her and want to support her, it’s starting to feel like I’m wasting my time and energy.
I find myself dreading these conversations because I already know how they’ll play out. At the same time, I don’t want to seem dismissive or uncaring by turning her away when she reaches out.
I want to set healthy boundaries with my friend, but I’m worried about hurting her feelings or damaging our friendship.
How can I communicate my frustration in a way that is honest yet compassionate? I want to maintain our connection, but I need to protect my own emotional well-being.
— Advice Fatigue
DEAR ADVICE FATIGUE: Next time your friend comes to you for advice, tell her you have nothing more to add to what you’ve already advised. Remind her that you are not a professional, and you realize that you have not been helping her with the ideas you have offered. Recommend that she go to a therapist.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a new mother, and I feel like I can’t do anything right.
I just had a baby boy, and while I love him more than anything, the adjustment to motherhood has been painful and difficult for me. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I’m always falling short, whether it’s soothing my baby when he cries, keeping up with housework or even finding time to take care of myself.
My husband has been a wonderful help throughout this process. He’s truly a great father; he’s always there to change diapers, cook meals or give me time to rest. Even with his support, I find myself constantly snapping at him for no reason.
Sometimes he’ll say something as simple as, “Can I help you?” and I’ll lose my temper, even though I know he means well. Afterward, I feel terrible for being so short with him because I know he’s doing his best to support me.
I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle of guilt, frustration and exhaustion, and it’s starting to take a toll on our relationship.
I want to be a better partner to him and a more confident mother for my son, but I’m not sure how to manage these emotions or where to start. Is it normal to feel this way, or am I doing something wrong?
— New Mom Blues
DEAR NEW MOM BLUES: Many new moms suffer from feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and short-tempered. Ironically, the easiest solutions can be the most difficult to achieve. Why? Well, if you can sleep more, carve out some quiet time and stay calm, all will be better — but you know how hard it is to find those things.
For now, apologize to your husband for your shortness. Tell him how tough things are for you, and thank him for his partnership.
Schedule naps whenever you can. Be sure to visit your doctor. You may have postpartum depression, for which there is treatment. Trust that things will get better.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.