Dear Abby: My husband never understood, and he left when I got a DUI
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were together for 11 years, married for six of them. I had an alcohol addiction for the last few years, which led to my being unfaithful.
He never drank, so he had a hard time understanding my addiction problem. After I got a DUI, he finally left me. Two weeks later, he was already in another relationship! We divorced a year later.
I have spent the last 14 months changing my life. I have been sober this whole time, attended AA meetings and seen a psychotherapist as well as an addiction therapist.
I have been devastated since my husband left. I have lost 20 pounds that I didn’t need to lose, and I leave my house only to work. I haven’t even entertained the idea of seeing or talking to another man.
My ex has been telling me off and on that he wants to try and work things out with me, which is something I want more than anything.
I know I hurt him, and he’s no longer the same person. I want to show him I’m different and we can be happy, but he won’t fully commit to anything and just keeps hurting me.
Should I continue to pursue this or try to find a way to move on?
— NOW SOBER IN VIRGINIA
DEAR NOW SOBER: If your sobriety is important to you, you cannot cling to a person who “keeps hurting you.” (I wish you had mentioned how he does this, but in the end, you must do what is good for you.) Did the way he treated you — or your perception of it — have something to do with your drinking and infidelity?
You stated that he says he wants to work things out. His skittishness may stem from the hurt he experienced because of what you put him through.
If you decide to rekindle your relationship, do so only under certain conditions: He must end the relationship with the person he’s involved with if they are still together, attend Al-Anon meetings so he can learn more about the disease of alcoholism and attend relationship counseling sessions with you.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 64-year-old gay man, originally from the Deep South, living in a large metropolitan area. I have been here for more than 30 years.
My problem is, I am unable to keep my cool when talking with my aging parents.
I have insisted several times that I do not wish to discuss politics, but my request is ignored by Mom especially because she refuses to acknowledge my sexual orientation. She sings the praises of the most anti-gay politicians with no regard for my feelings. When I try to gently change the subject, most times, she won’t let it go.
I have reached the point that I no longer wish to speak to either of my parents. The hurtful things they have said break my heart.
Should I follow my gut and cut them off, or continue to remain silent and endure the hurt? I know they won’t change.
— WOUNDED HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR WOUNDED HEART: Silence helps no one. As you have discovered, it leads only to more of the same.
Tell them the hurtful things they have said are heartbreaking. You have already made clear to your mother that you do not wish to discuss politics. This time, tell them that if they raise the subject again, it will be the end of the conversation and you will hang up.
If they ignore you and do it again, follow through.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.