If You're About To Lose It With Your Kids, This Psychologist-Backed Tip Could Help
We’ve all been there: you’re trying your best to stay calm while your child misbehaves and increasingly pushes your buttons.
You’re standing firm, but they push and they push and before you know it, you’ve lost your cool.
If this sounds familiar, a Texas-based child psychologist has a super simple trick for you to try.
Dr Jordana Mortimer, from Mind and Child, calls the strategy “tap in, tap out” and it’s pretty easy to adopt if you’re in a two-parent family.
The idea is simple: when one parent notices the other is dealing with difficult behaviour from their child and is about to blow their top, they come up behind them and tap them on the shoulder.
The parent who was about to flip their lid is then able to leave the situation (or tap out) and the other parent steps in to try and maintain a calm environment.
@mindandchild ????One thing that can really impact a relationship in parenting is how you form a team. Sometimes we may try to step in when we see one caregiver getting overwhelmed, but the other person can feel hurt and their own authority stripped in front of their child (or grandchild, etc). ????Good news! There is a way to handle this easily! Have a discussion where both of you agree to let the other caregiver step in by using an agreed upon nonverbal signal that your child does NOT know about. In our house, we gently touch the other persons shoulder- but this could be anything! ????Both caregivers have to agree to the plan, as well as not getting upset when the other person feels they need to “tap in.” They also have to agree to “tap out,” when the other feels it is needed. We all get upset, we are human! But working together makes the job easier! ✨Want to know more about parenting together? Comment “TOG123” and we will send you our blog with helpful tips! ✨Follow @mindandchild for more quick tips!✨ #parenting#parentingtips#marriageadvice#partnershipgoals#parentingwithintention#parentingwithpurpose#gentleparenting#consciousparenting#parentingexpert#mindfulmum#tantrums#emotionalregulation#fatherhood#motherhood#motherhoodunplugged#motherhoodrising#marriageproblems#dadlife#momlife#momsover30#momsover40#conflictresolution#familygoals#familylife#parentingtheshitoutoflife#parentingsupport#parenthelp#help#stressmanagement
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Dr Mortimer said in a TikTok video that it’s an effective strategy when one of the parents is “overly emotional or upset” and is struggling to respond to their child’s behaviour.
If you think it might be worth trying, the psychologist says there are some important principles to agree on before you do.
The first is which nonverbal signal you’ll be using in this situation – it needs to be a signal your children don’t know about.
Secondly, you both need to agree that you won’t take it personally or get upset if the other parent uses the non-verbal signal to tap in.
And lastly, said Dr Mortimer, the parent “tapping in” has to promise to maintain the calm environment.
The idea is that parents are able to put on a united front, and work together, without anyone losing control and the situation escalating.
Parents were quick to share in the comments how this strategy has worked for them.
“We do this,” said user Mals. “Sometimes one parent sees that the other is getting dysregulated and steps in, and sometimes we ask to switch off when we feel our ability to stay calm.”
“We have unknowingly done this (verbally) and it does work,” said user Gamer Dad. “Our daughter is only 1 so still early enough to start implementing the non verbal tactic to be more effective. Thanks for the tip.”
Single parents noted that it can be difficult when you’re getting emotional and there is nobody else to tap in.
“This is the hardest part (for me) in being a single parent,” said user Mandibles. “No one to co-regulate with me and/or tap when I (or my kid) needs it.”
In this instance, the psychologist recommended taking a break to regulate yourself before stepping back to address the issue.