Wife blames my demands for kinky sex for her affair – I feel betrayed and don’t know if I can forgive her
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife claims that my demands for kinky sex drove her to an affair.
Now she wants to make a go of our marriage, saying that we’re quits, but I feel betrayed.
I’m 41 and she’s 38. We’ve been married for 12 years and have a ten-year-old daughter.
A few years ago, I started getting heavily into exhibitionist porn — I’ve always fantasised about having sex while others watch, but I had never tried it.
I summoned up the courage to ask my wife if she would give some kinky play a go.
She point-blank refused, making me feel dirty and perverted.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about being watched.
Eventually, I joined a fetish website and met a woman who agreed to “play” with me in front of others.
I didn’t have full sex with her — we stopped at giving each other oral sex.
She took photos, so I could remember the experience.
Unfortunately, my wife found the pics and told me our marriage was over.
I begged her to change her mind, agreeing to see a sex therapist for help.
My wife then said she’d stay, but she wouldn’t let me back in her bed.
We’ve been living like flatmates for a year.
I’ve been weaning myself off the porn, hoping that she would forgive me.
Then, last week, during a row, she admitted she’s been seeing a man from work the entire time.
She says she was so devastated by my antics that she sought comfort in his arms.
That then turned into a full-blown affair.
She regrets it and has realised she still loves me.
She’s even invited me back to the bedroom.
Yet, I don’t know if I am able to forgive her. She cheated and lied for a whole year. I can’t help my fetish, yet she chose to sleep with another man.
What should I do?
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: True, your fetish isn’t something you chose.
See my support pack, Fetish Worries, for more information.
But you did choose to indulge it and have an encounter with another woman, even if you didn’t have full intercourse. This is a betrayal of your wife’s trust.
Neither you nor your wife is 100 per cent in the right or wrong. What matters is whether you love each other and want to rebuild trust and repair your marriage.
If you do, then some relationship counselling could be a good idea.
Contact tavistockrelationships.org for information and check out my support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It?
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
THANK YOU FOR HELPING US GUIDE OUR LOVED-UP SON
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my socially awkward son finally found love, I was happy for him.
But his girlfriend comes from a strict religious background, and it turned out their relationship was a secret from her family. I worried he faced heartbreak.
I’m 52, and my son is 24.
He always found socialising difficult and had never shown any interest in girls. A few months ago, he told me and his mum he had met someone.
She came to stay several times and we liked her. We were delighted to see how happy she made him.
However, it soon became clear that her Muslim family doesn’t know about their relationship. You told me my concerns were valid and that I should convey them to my son.
You gave me the details of parenting support charity Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222) and The Mix (themix.org.uk), which advises under-25s, so he could talk to someone too.
He reassured me he’s aware of the issues and not being reckless.
They are planning to introduce my son to her family soon. I’m still concerned, but much calmer. Thank you.
DEIDRE SAYS: Being a parent is never easy, but you’ve shown your son you’re there for him. I hope things work out.
LOVE RAT WANTS KIDS WITH ME ONCE FREED FROM JAIL
DEAR DEIDRE: WHILE I’m looking forward to my boyfriend’s release from prison, I’m worried I still can’t trust him.
He’s been inside for half our relationship and before he was sent down, he cheated several times. Now I’m worried he’s just using me.
I’m 34 and he’s 32. We’ve been together for six years – and he’s been in jail for three of them. Before that, he had a short fling and two one-night stands. I forgave him and he promised he’d changed.
Whenever I visit him in prison, he tells me he loves me and wants to marry me and have my kids when he’s home.
But over recent months he’s been allowed out on short releases, and each time I’ve been suspicious of him.
He often hides his phone or takes it with him to the bathroom, and sometimes he goes outside to make calls. I think he might be talking to his ex, although he denies it.
He’s told me to stop being so insecure. But his ex is the person who got him into trouble with the law in the first place, so I don’t trust her at all.
When he went to jail it was traumatic, and my friends and family told me I should walk away – but I couldn’t because I loved him so much.
Now I fear that he’s going to turn my life upside down again. Part of me thinks I should tell him not to move back in when he’s released.
I’m worried he only wants to be with me because I’ve got a nice home and offer financial security. I don’t know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: Gut feelings aren’t always right, but shouldn’t be ignored. And your boyfriend has a history of lying and cheating.
Next time he’s out on release, talk to him about your fears and make it clear things need to change. He can’t dismiss your concern by saying you’re insecure.
His behaviour is the reason for that.
Contact Prisoners’ Families Helpline (prisonersfamilies.org, 0808 808 2003) for understanding support.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: I CAN’T help starting fights with my boyfriend, even when he has done nothing wrong.
I’m 18, he’s 19 and we’ve been together for two years.
Sometimes I almost get a thrill out of starting a row.
Then I give him the silent treatment and can’t speak to him until I’ve calmed down.
He deserves better. What can I do about it?
DEIDRE SAYS: Sometimes people start rows as they feel insecure.
Pushing someone you love away means they can’t reject you first.
It could also be the result of something that happened while you were growing up.
It also sounds like you lack self-confidence.
My support pack, Raising Self-esteem should help you.
Tell your boyfriend you feel bad and don’t want to act like this.
'CELEB' WANTS TO BORROW CASH
DEAR DEIDRE: THE celebrity I’m close friends with has started asking me for cash.
She’s a well-known TV star and I’m flattered she wants to be a mate, but my daughter says I’m being naive.
I am a 45-year-old divorced man. My daughter is 20.
I’ve been a fan of this celebrity for several years.
A few months ago, she was suggested as a friend on Facebook, so I sent a request. When she accepted, I was chuffed. I messaged her and couldn’t believe it when she wrote back.
It turns out we have lots in common, and over time have become friends. She even confides in me about her relationship problems.
Although her fan club was £200 membership, I was happy to join it. But last week, she told me she is trying to get a project off the ground and asked for £2,000. I can’t really afford it.
When I told my daughter she called me a silly old fool and said I’m being scammed.
DEIDRE SAYS: Sadly, I think your daughter is right.
The chances are small that this really is the celebrity you like. Anyone can pretend to be someone on social media.
This “woman” – if that’s even who she is – is taking advantage of you.
Tell her you can’t afford to give her more money. If she is genuine, she will understand. But if she pressures you, or stops messaging, you’ll know the truth.
It would be good for you to get out and meet real people. My support pack, Widening Your Social Scene has tips.