The Grad Student Hooking Up With Her Ex

In this week’s story, a woman returns home from vacation and sees a handful of dates and lovers: 26, single, St. Louis.

DAY ONE 

5 a.m. I don’t want to be awake, and I definitely don’t want to be flying back to St. Louis from Europe. I’ve been here for ten days on vacation. It was so relaxing, but I’ve been feeling so anxious for this flight. I have bad anxiety and always worry that my meds won’t work on the plane and I’ll end up having a panic attack. Not my favorite start to the day.

2:45 p.m. I’ve traveled time zones and made it to the final leg of my trip but my flight’s delayed. I feel like an iPad baby in this airport with my incessant scrolling. I can’t stop thinking about texting Walter, but I know I shouldn’t. We slept with each other for a few months and it was the best sex of my life. It ended about a month ago when, out of nowhere, told me he had started seeing someone else. It was shocking at the time but also, honestly … okay. Even though the sex was unreal, we definitely had different political views and I just feel like I can’t compromise about that, especially now. He texted me recently because it didn’t work out with the other woman, apparently, and I now can’t stop thinking about it.

5:30 p.m. From the air, I text Walter. Whoops! He offers to pick me up from the airport, but I decline because my roommate, Olivia, is picking me up and I missed them. I tell him he can come over when I get home.

9 p.m. I’m lying in my bed with Walter. I really missed fucking him, I don’t think I’ll ever find another man who is this good at head ever again in my life. But now that I’ve been dating around and have found some people I actually get on with, I’m realizing just how much our personalities don’t match.

11 p.m. We have really hot sex again. It feels good to have someone get hard like that so fast. I know it’s not great to admit this, but I love hearing him tell me that he missed fucking me when he was with his now-ex. I do think this should be the last time I see him, but I don’t know if I can let go of someone who makes me come like this.

DAY TWO

6:30 a.m. I don’t want to go back to classes this morning. I’m doing a Ph.D. to hopefully one day become an academic, but I’m still quite early on and coursework is part of the routine. I just feel like I always need a week after a trip to rest, but I’m just jumping back into what is going to be a really busy and crazy end of semester. I have a big day ahead of me between coursework and research and also a date later, so I need to get a move on.

11:45 a.m. I’m driving to the park across town to meet Chris for a dog walk. We haven’t met in person yet, but we matched about a month ago on Tinder while he was passing through town on a road trip to the West Coast and started texting. Now he’s passing through again, on his way back to the East Coast, so he’s here for a couple nights. I’m excited to meet him, but a bit nervous since we’ve agreed to spend most of my day together.

Noon Ben, the guy I’m crushing on the most, texts me while I’m driving to make plans for this week. He’s older than me and we’ve only met once, the day before I left for my trip, and it was maybe a bit weird but also fun and different than anything else, and I’ve become a bit fixated on him. I text him back as I pull into the parking lot and take a breath before getting out to meet Chris.

3 p.m. We go on a three-hour walk, and I think I like him? He’s funny and our conversation is flowing easily, and he seems like a really kind and genuine person. I have to go to class now, but he suggests we meet up later tonight. He says something about meeting up for a little wine, and then maybe we make dinner at his Airbnb. I’m into it. But as we say good-bye, I think he’s going to kiss me, but he doesn’t.

6 p.m. I text Chris that I’m done and ready for the second part of our date. Then text Ben again to solidify our plans for Thursday night. I already feel overwhelmed by my date plans for the week and will definitely have to put my coursework on the back burner, but whatever.

10 p.m. I had my doubts about the kind of dinner Chris could make — his Airbnb only had salt, pepper, and fennel seed — but this man made a really excellent dinner. We’ve been laughing a lot and the conversation is good. Something about the combination of wine and the knowledge that I probably won’t see him again (because he doesn’t live here) is making me feel bold. I move to the bed. Chris follows and finally kisses me. It’s nice and I like how he’s touching me.

12:15 a.m. The sex was better than I thought it would be, and even though he came too fast (my blowjobs can cause that issue), he gave me, like, unreal head for a while until I came a few times. Chris has proved to me that W is not the only man who can be good at that! I explain that I can’t sleep over — I don’t sleep well with others and I’m jetlagged and I feel bad abandoning my dog when I’ve just gotten home. Eventually, I climb out of bed, get dressed, and kiss Chris good-bye.

DAY THREE

7:15 a.m. I can’t stay asleep. I think I’m a bit hungover from that half a bottle of wine, but I get up to take my dog for a walk.

9 a.m. Chris texts to say he would love to get coffee if we can make it work, but he has to clean up the place (we didn’t touch the dishes last night), and I have a research meeting at 11. So it won’t work and that’s fine. I have to focus on school.

Noon I still haven’t started my coursework for the week, but I had a great meeting and have lots to think about in terms of my fieldwork plans and overall future.

5:45 p.m. Oof, the jet lag is hitting bad. I’ve finished my final class of the day but I have another meeting in about 15 minutes. I have so much housework and coursework to do, but I just want to lie down.

9:15 p.m. Just getting home from picking up my other roommate, Rachel, from the airport. She had a crazy week abroad for her program.

10 p.m. We catch up on our trips for a little while. I honestly feel so lucky to have found both Rachel and Olivia as roommates, and being away for ten days reminded me of that. It’s just nice to have these strangers turn into such good friends. They also love hearing about my recent hookups, since it’s revved up a lot recently!

DAY FOUR

6 a.m. I want to be asleep for just 30 more minutes, but my dog is crying in his crate because he heard me tossing and turning. I might as well get up now and head out for our walk.

10:45 a.m. My morning to-dos are done and the sun is shining and it’s finally spring! I’m so relieved to experience warmish weather again. I’m supposed to go to Matt’s tonight, but I’m really not feeling it. We’ve gone on a few dates over the past month or so after Walter ended it, and I like him as a person, but he’s not a good fuck and I don’t think I have it in me tonight. This is the conundrum I always find myself in, which is that I’m so conflict-averse, and if Matt wants to keep seeing me … I don’t know how to end it.

Noon I’m out on a dog walk when I get a text from Matt; he’s sick and is canceling tonight. I’m relieved. I don’t know what to do about him! Part of me thinks I should fuck him one last time and help him along a little bit, just to see if he’s better with a little direction. But that’s probably a bad idea.

4 p.m. It’s a good thing Matt canceled because I completely forgot about a writing assignment that’s due Friday morning. I know for a fact I won’t be doing any work tomorrow night, because I never can get anything done on Thursdays, plus Ben is coming over …

7 p.m. If I’m taking the night off dates, I might as well do some work. I know it will make me feel better than ignoring it all.

DAY FIVE

6:50 a.m. I got eight and a half hours of sleep and I’m feeling so good. I’m looking forward to seeing Ben tonight, but I’m also really nervous. I can’t read him and I think the mystery is really drawing me in. He’s coming over tonight to “hang out,” which means fuck, and then we are gonna get dinner or drinks if we feel like it — his suggestion.

Noon Just finished therapy. I’ve been trying to find a new therapist in St. Louis since I moved here about eight months ago, and I think I finally found the right match.

6:30 p.m. Ben is going to be here in 30 minutes! I’m running around like a psycho and my roommates are both home watching this happen. I just feel like the anticipation has been building all day because I haven’t had much to think about otherwise.

8 p.m. After saying hello, we promptly go to my bedroom and fuck. He isn’t the best sex of my life, but it’s hot and it was better this time than last, so I have hopes for the future.

9 p.m. Ben and I go to a little neighborhood kebab shop near me afterward. We sit next to each other in a booth and his arm is around me and he’s kissing me between bites. PDA is not natural to me — I’ve never formally dated anyone, so I’m not used to being in public with someone like this, but it isn’t bad. Maybe it’s even nice. I can never tell what he is thinking, and don’t have the words to ask, even though he is already pushing me to have my own thoughts and opinions rather than just agreeing with him. It’s probably a good sign.

10 p.m. Ben drives me home and walks me to the door. We have a nice kiss good-bye, and he tells me he’s excited to see me soon. I get butterflies when he says things like that, which is not something I’m used to.

DAY SIX

7 a.m. I wake up and immediately start thinking about Ben. I just don’t know what he wants from me! I want to see him again soon to start figuring him out, but I also don’t want to seem overly into it.

Noon Fridays suck. I’m just booked the whole day, and feel bad leaving my dog by himself for so long.

3 p.m. The jet lag is almost over, but I am just tired. It’s been a long week.

6:30 p.m. Olivia has a formal for her program tonight. Earlier in the week, I told her I couldn’t go, but something about getting dressed up to go to a dance party with an open bar is sounding really good right about now.

10:30 p.m. Rachel, Olivia, and I are having an amazing time at the formal. I love any event that feels like an adult prom, and this one felt that way especially because the DJ was pretty much exclusively playing songs that were played at my prom ten years ago. It’s so fun to wear a fancy outfit and dance like a maniac with your friends!

DAY SEVEN

7:10 a.m. I do not feel good. I think it’s less of a hangover than the fact I smoked a bunch of cigarettes last night and didn’t get much sleep. The thought of getting out of bed and walking my dog right now sounds miserable. But I do it, then go back to bed.

Noon A friend from school is coming to get me and the dog to go to the park. They were also at the formal last night, and we’re both suffering a bit, but it’s a beautiful day and we might as well lay out in the sun! We’re due for a catch-up.

1 p.m. I text Ben right before my friend arrives to tell him I want to see him again soon after such a nice time on Thursday, but then I put my phone in my bag so I don’t have to think about it.

5 p.m. Another friend is having a potluck birthday party tonight, and even though I’m exhausted, I love to celebrate birthdays, so I’m going. Time to think about what to bring.

6 p.m. Ben texts back that he has a busy week but could do Wednesday if I’m around, so I guess that’s the plan. I’m looking forward to it.

11:30 p.m. The party was great. I got to catch up with a few friends I haven’t seen for a while, and I feel grateful to have spent so much time outside today. After the potluck, my roommates and I watch one of my favorite movies, The Spy Who Dumped Me, and cry-laugh on the couch for two hours — and now I am ready for what is hopefully a nice, long sleep.

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