Dear Abby: I have an ex I’m obsessed with and a husband I can’t abandon
DEAR ABBY: For a long time now, I’ve been living in the past, thinking about how great it was and how much fun it was.
I’m also obsessed with an old boyfriend who cheated and broke up with me to sleep with the “other woman.” Abby, this was 48 years ago!
I’ve been married for 35 years, but I haven’t been happy since I don’t know when.
My husband is a wonderful guy, but I no longer feel anything for him. There’s no way I can divorce him. He has multiple medical issues, and I could never do that to him.
What can I do?
— YESTERDAY’S GIRL IN FLORIDA
DEAR YESTERDAY’S GIRL: It might help to take off those rose-colored glasses and come back to the present.
The man you are obsessed with betrayed you and dumped you. It’s time to take another look at why you married your husband. While your passion for him may have lessened and his health isn’t the greatest, these things sometimes happen as people age.
You’re in need of an attitude adjustment, which may involve talking with a licensed psychotherapist. If you do, it may help you rid yourself of your unhealthy preoccupation.
DEAR ABBY: I lost my wife 14 years ago. We were married for 26 years. Our two children are now adults. I have remarried and moved about 90 miles away.
My children love and respect their stepmother. I have five step-grandchildren who live within 15 minutes of my current home. I love them, and they love me as well.
My first wife’s gravesite is in the small town where we used to live.
My question concerns my final resting place. Do I request burial with the mother of my children, or at a place of my current wife’s choosing near my current home, ultimately to be buried next to her? How about cremation, where my ashes could be split between two gravesites?
I don’t care, but I want to make a choice that will make everyone comfortable. What have others done in this situation, as I suspect this issue is not uncommon?
— PLANNING AHEAD IN DELAWARE
DEAR PLANNING: Your question is a tough one because I’m sure you want to make everyone happy and avoid any conflict after your death. Your idea about cremation so your ashes can be divided between the two gravesites seems sensible to me.
However, because I am not an expert when it comes to funeral arrangements, I took your question to the Funeral Consumers Alliance (funerals.org), which had one more question for you. It was: “Have you spoken with your wife, your children and extended relatives about it?”
Once you have had these important family discussions and a decision is made, make sure your wishes are documented in a disposition form from your current state of residence. Doing so could prevent family drama at the time of your death. Kudos to you for planning ahead.
[A husband’s similar question from another advice column — plus a warning: “Cremated remains aren’t like in the movies.”]
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.