SPLAT: A profile on a frosh presidential candidate cohort
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Frosh presidential candidate cohort SPLAT announced its bid for Frosh Council Presidents on Monday via Instagram. While their graphic design was hyper-professional and on-par with other candidate groups, SPLAT notably fell behind in signature count, receiving only five supporters.
The reason for SPLAT’s struggles may stem from their unique platform. Using every Canva Pro feature in their announcement post, SPLAT outlined rather contrarian priorities:
- Redistribute dining hall funding primarily towards Athlete Dining:
- Improving AD will help us recruit athletes for revenue sports. That means good football. That would shut you up, wouldn’t it? We have three easy steps to improve AD via changes to NALPD (Non-athlete Lame People Dining): Fewer swipes, higher costs and only rice.
- Reconnect students with nature:
- In every dining hall, we will cut Tom-and-Jerry-esque holes into the kitchen to let in creatures from all walks of life.
- Restructure all housing so everyone just lives in one room together:
- Nothing fosters a community across all Stanford students like sharing a common roof and singular toilet. The Squid Games vibes will also help students remain top-tier competitors.
- Do anything to retain federal funding:
- In every dystopia, there’s a District 1. Let’s make that Stanford. We will follow and promote any policies we have to. No pushback whatsoever.
The Stanford Daily reached out for an interview. SPLAT only agreed to respond via Instagram DMs:
As the petition deadline passed, SPLAT fell far short of the threshold. When asked for their reaction, SPLAT responded, “We don’t care. No matter who wins, our policies are still gonna happen.”
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