Harriette Cole: My friend was so sour about my community icebreakers. Guess what she’s doing now?
DEAR HARRIETTE: Last year, I started partnering with a local business to put on events that allowed for people to get acquainted with new neighbors without all the awkwardness.
I struggled piecing this together on my own, but I made it happen!
A close friend of mine continued to show a major lack of support (not showing up when she said she would, showing up and being sour, being hyperjudgmental about event turnouts, etc.). She told me my events weren’t really “her scene.” The past year we’ve been more distant compared with previous years.
A few days ago, she invited me to an event she will be hosting at a local business with an emphasis on icebreaking and meeting new people.
I know this sounds childish, but I can’t help but feel offended. She was so judgmental toward me and my efforts, and now she is doing the same kind of work.
How can I address this without sounding totally immature?
— Unsupported Friend
DEAR UNSUPPORTED FRIEND: Do some sleuthing first. Go to your friend’s event and see what she does. Hopefully she hasn’t stolen any of your ideas.
After the event, schedule a time to talk to her. Tell her exactly how you feel — unsupported during the entire time that you were building your business and duped after she chose to do something similar. Tell her that you do not feel like she has treated you like a friend.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I currently live with my boyfriend — in part because I have nowhere else to go.
When we were first dating, I was living alone, but about two years into our relationship I lost my job, and my boyfriend graciously invited me to move in with him. At the time, it felt OK. I didn’t like being in a position of need, but that aside, things were going really well between us, so I felt OK with the change.
Now we’ve been living together for a little over a year. I still haven’t gotten a career job again, and things are starting to feel toxic.
I have been working part-time jobs recently because I feel so overwhelmed, but I’m still not financially comfortable enough to move out. What can I do to get out of this situation?
— Toxic Roomie
DEAR TOXIC ROOMIE: Is there anywhere else you can live right now? With your parents? A sibling? Another friend?
If you have any alternative, explore that right away so that you can create a situation where you don’t feel trapped or compromised. Explain to anyone you may be able to move in with exactly what your situation is and what you can currently contribute to the household.
Also, talk to your boyfriend. What exactly is toxic about your relationship now? Is it truly about him and his behavior, or could it be due to your personal stress, or a combination of both? Is this something you can talk through, or do you actually need to move? Now may be a time of reckoning for you to deal with reality out in the open.
You will need to be vulnerable with him and yourself, which may be perfect. Even if you both agree that it is time for you to move, you can agree on a timeline. Bottom line: communicate.
Above all, if you feel you are in real danger, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.