I’m still being kept as my lover’s dirty little secret six months after he left his wife

DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER my lover left his wife, I thought we would finally be able to start our life together.

Yet six months later, I’m still being kept as his dirty little secret.

I’m 35, he’s 42, and we’ve been seeing each other for more than two years.

He was married for 15 years and has two teenage children with his wife.

Our affair started when we met at a work conference. We hit it off and the chemistry was undeniable.

I knew he was married, so I didn’t give it a second thought, but when I received a text from him the next day, I couldn’t resist responding. From then on we’d meet regularly in hotels or at my flat and it was always exciting.

I did carry guilt about what we were doing but he told me there was no love in his marriage and it was only a matter of time before they separated.

I longed for the days that we could finally do things together like a normal couple, and I hated keeping our love a secret. 

So when he finally made the break, I was over the moon. 

However, months have passed, and he still won’t go out in public with me. If anything, I see him less.

After moving back in with his parents, he’s afraid to even sleep over at my house in case he raises suspicion.

Every time I bring it up, he always tells me that it’s not the right time. 

But I’m beginning to think he’ll never want to introduce to his friends and family.

DEIDRE SAYS: After ending such a long marriage with kids involved, it’s natural that your lover wants to take your next steps slowly.

Maintaining a healthy and positive relationship with his ex and kids is probably his top priority, and he’s likely worried about the impact being open about your relationship so soon will have.

While their relationship is over, he still has a lot to lose. However, this doesn’t mean you should have a life of secrecy.

Have an honest conversation with him and explain how you feel. Tell him that while you’re willing to be patient, you need reassurance your relationship will progress. Perhaps you can agree on a time frame.

If he’s unwilling, then you may need to consider ending things. My support pack Moving On will help if it comes to that.

SO TOUGH TRYING TO BE A DAD

DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE my wife and I divorced 15 years ago, my daughter wants nothing to do with me.

I’ve tried so hard with he but she refuses me the time of day and it’s getting me down.

I’m 52, my daughter is 24, and our relationship has been strained since I separated from her mum when she was nine years old.

The divorce had been a long time coming, but it hit her hard all the same.

I knew how difficult the adjustment would be, so I did my best to make an effort and stay involved.

But her mum was constantly in her ear talking badly about me, and over the years, she grew more and more distant.

Now, even getting her to pick up my phone calls is a difficult task.

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s understandable that you’re feeling down about this.

You’ve done your best to be a good father, but your daughter doesn’t appreciate your efforts.

All you can do is tell her you love her, that you want to be a part of her life and explain how you sadly just feel pushed away.

Hopefully, in time she will see how much you care for her and things will change.

For further support check out Families Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk, 0300 300 363).

IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE FRIENDS

DEAR DEIDRE: MY marriage has ruined my mental health and stripped me of all of my long-term friendships.

I feel so down, and I’m struggling to keep it together.

I’m 42, my wife is 40, we’ve been together for eight years and share three young children.

Before we met, I used to have a huge social network of friends with whom I spent a lot of time.

I was blinded by her for the first couple of years, but it soon became apparent she had a talent for making me feel guilty for spending any time with anyone else.

While I love being a dad, trying to spend time with anyone but my immediate family has become impossible. Every time I try to reconnect with friends, she comes up with a reason why I can’t go.

Before I’m due to leave the house, either she’s worried about one of the children and I’ll need to stay in case she has to take them to hospital, or she feels sick and needs to go for a lie down so I have to look after the kids and cancel my plans.

The worst part is that she’s always out galavanting with her friends.

I’m so depressed and lonely. Please help.

DEIDRE SAYS: Friendships are important for our mental wellbeing, so it’s understandable that you’re feeling down with a lack of social connection.

Your wife sounds like she tries to sabotage any of your plans which are independent from her, which is a form of coercive control.

It’s time for you to have a serious conversation with her.

Tell her how unhappy you are and that she needs to allow you some time to spend with other people, just as you allow her.

It’s possible she has issues with trust, which are driving her to isolate you.

Talking with a counsellor to work through these problems will be essential.

Seek help through tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975).