'Living With My Boyfriend Made Me Realise We'd Never Marry. Was How I Left Unfair?'

According to the Office Of National Statistics, cohabiting couples (who aren’t married) are on the rise – the number leapt from 19.7% in 2012 to 22.7% in 2022. 

But for Redditor u/Helpful_Remote1682, that “cohabitation period” has gone on for about a year too long. 

Writing to Reddit’s r/AITAH (Am I The Asshole Here), the site user asked: “AITA for breaking up and treating him like a stranger after he falsely promised marriage as a condition for living together?” 

So, we spoke to experts about when couples should talk about marriage, and what to do if you feel you’ve been left waiting for too long. 

The pair had been together for five years 

The original poster (OP) wrote that she’d been with her partner for five years, and that they’d begun discussing marriage in year two. 

“We put all our cards on the table, including deal breakers and expectations,” she added. Part of that was their agreement that she would only move in with her then-partner on the understanding that they’d get engaged. 

“He told me that he would propose before the end of the year,” OP continued. 

Two years later, there’s been no engagement. 

“I’ve asked him about our engagement so many times that I feel like I’m begging,” OP wrote. Her ex-partner responded in “vague” terms “and has asked to leave our conversation for another day because he’s tired, and wedding plans would be exhausting.”

Those circular conversations combined with a general feeling that she’s doing most of the work in the relationship led the Redditor to tell her partner that she’d be leaving their home when their lease finishes at the end of this month and that she wanted to break up. 

This change of rent division affects her ex’s ability to keep his own home, which he needs to maintain joint custody of his children.

“He has tried to talk, but I’m afraid this will turn into another two years of me pouring myself into his needs, and he will just keep stringing me along,” OP stated. 

“He says he understands my point of view but that I’m treating him like shit. AITA?” 

“Being open from early on is recommended” 

Speaking to HuffPost UK, licensed clinical social worker and owner of Wholefamily Therapy & Wellness, Trisha Sanders, says that while “No one wants to scare off a could-be-spouse by talking about engagement rings on the first date,” she thinks it’s a good idea to broach the topic early. 

That way, the expert advises, “both partners know if they are on the same page or not.” 

There’s “no magic amount of time” that should pass before your partner is “meant” to be ready, either. 

“However, if you and your partner are not climbing up the commitment ladder as fast as you had hoped, skip the ultimatums and pointed queries,” she comments.

“If you can have open, meaningful conversations with your partner, in which you can both hear each other out and act with curiosity about each other’s experience, rather than take either’s lack of readiness or desire for more personally, you may find that satisfies some of the need your have for deep commitment and perhaps that can boost you up a rung on the ladder.” 

If not, however, you may find that the relationship is simply not compatible with your needs.