Harriette Cole: Advice to mother who’s done having babies draws forceful response

DEAR READERS: I haven’t done this before — run a whole day of your responses to a single letter — but I’m doing so now because you got so fired up.

Here’s what a few of you had to say about “No More Babies,” the woman with five children whose husband wanted her to have a tubal ligation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: If the burden on the body of a vasectomy and a tubal ligation were comparable, I think your advice would be (almost) fair. However, the reality is that vasectomies are less invasive, require less recovery time and are more easily reversed than a tubal ligation.

For that husband to ask his wife to go through a more complicated, more painful and more permanent procedure after she has already put her body through five pregnancies is incredibly selfish.

Even if they were comparable, sure it would be “fair” to both subject themselves to the procedure, but it would also be inefficient at best and cruel at worst.

He should get the vasectomy and leave her body out of it.

— Duh?

DEAR HARRIETTE: Really? “No more sex until you both have undergone the procedures”?

Withholding sex to get what you want is never good for a relationship; it turns a shared intimate, emotional experience and expression of love into a transaction.

I agree that this couple has a serious problem that needs to be worked out together. This disagreement could also be a sign of other issues in their marriage that need to be addressed. However, using sex as a bartering chip to manipulate and control your partner is not the way to go.

— More Than One Way To Avoid Pregnancy

DEAR HARRIETTE: Recommending no sex until the husband changes his mind without questions about condoms or other birth control? Sure, punt them on their way to divorce.

— No Help at All

DEAR HARRIETTE: Sorry, Harriette, but I’m going to have to totally disagree with the advice that you gave “No More Babies.”

You suggested that she stand her ground and declare no more sex until he got a vasectomy. Nope! Her body has gone through the changes of five pregnancies, not his. For her own peace of mind and body, she should get her tubes tied.

— Tubes Tied After Two

DEAR HARRIETTE: To “No More Babies”: Forget about having a tubal ligation and urge your husband to get over himself. He’s being immature and selfish.

Your body has been through enough! It’s much easier and less expensive for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation. My husband had it done, and it was a breeze.

— Happy in Ohio

DEAR HARRIETTE: Although I think they both need better communication, I feel your answer has now turned sex into a weapon, which is not good or healthy for any relationship — married or not.

I’d suggest the husband wear condoms. It still forces your point without weaponizing something that is a big part of a relationship.

— A Man’s Perspective

DEAR READERS: Thank you for your care and outrage — at both the couple and me — as well as your thoughtful responses.

Marriage, building family and dealing with change along the way can be tough. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes with compassion can be extremely helpful.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.