Harriette Cole: I feel violated even though technically nothing happened
DEAR HARRIETTE: Earlier this year, I met someone at a friend’s birthday party. I thought he was handsome, and my friend ended up fixing us up.
We live in different states, so we exchanged numbers and kept in touch. We talked often on the phone, and I felt comfortable with him.
He offered to visit me in person, staying in a hotel and taking me out throughout the weekend. I appreciated that he wasn’t presumptuous — but upon his arrival, everything seemed to change. Apparently, he came with expectations.
Whenever we were together, he’d make sexual advances, which came as a surprise to me since we hadn’t entered that territory yet. Throughout the weekend, his mood and attitude wavered, and I couldn’t pinpoint why. Eventually he admitted that he was sexually frustrated.
I feel violated even though technically nothing happened.
Why would someone give me one impression and then fly 1,000 miles in hopes of something else?
I cut ties with this person, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I was too naive. Why is this bothering me so much? Any advice?
— Wrong Impression
DEAR WRONG IMPRESSION: These days, it’s not surprising that if this man flew 1,000 miles to see you, he expected sex in return. That doesn’t mean you were obligated to do it, but it’s not an unusual thought.
You two probably should have spoken openly about your expectations for the weekend. You could have stated that you were looking forward to seeing him and getting to know him better, but also that you intended to take it slow.
Yes, you probably were a bit naive. In the future, if you find yourself in a similar situation, state what you want upfront so there’s no room for misinterpretation.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My middle-aged son recently moved out, and I don’t think he is prepared.
He’s had a hard time taking responsibility over the past decade or so, and he has not been great with staying employed. His decision came just a couple of months after securing a new job.
It’s not that I don’t want him to be on his own two feet — trust me, I do — but I worry that this is a premature decision that may cost him a pretty penny.
When he gave me the news, he’d already signed a sublease with a friend who is out of town indefinitely.
None of this makes me feel any more secure about his decision. It all came as a surprise to me because he said he’d already started moving his stuff to his new place and would be gone within a day or two of the conversation we were having.
I want to be able to give him some pointers without that conversation being riddled with my personal emotions surrounding his abrupt notice. I’m not sure I know how to be supportive while I’m offended.
— Moving Out
DEAR MOVING OUT: Your middle-aged son should not need your advice at this stage for how to live alone.
Good for him that he is making the effort to cut the cord. Let him. If he makes mistakes, so be it. He has to learn to be independent.
Do not be offended. Though he didn’t handle his leaving in the best way, he is leaving, and that is a good thing for both of you. Let it be with your blessing.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.