Asking Eric: A cemetery guard ruined my father’s funeral, and that was just the start

Dear Eric: Last year my father’s funeral was ruined because of a rude and disrespectful cemetery security guard, who yelled at and became belligerent with my family for no reason.

Subsequent complaints to management resulted in frustration with the cemetery boss sticking up for the guard. At no point did anyone from the cemetery apologize to me or my family.

Soon after, the cemetery also completed the grave picture wrong, and another manager refused to listen, raised her voice and was nasty when I inquired about it via phone. More recently, my father’s vase flowers were desecrated with construction material, but the cemetery again denies any wrongdoing, saying it’s just regular wear and tear. It’s an outdoor mausoleum.

Cemetery management has been disrespectful and hurtful since day one. I would like some advice, please.

– Grieving Son

Dear Son: I’m sorry you’re going through this while trying to navigate grief. It’s surely frustrating and painful.

Document what you can through photos and saved correspondence and file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau (bbb.org). I should warn you that this isn’t an instant cure-all. The BBB can’t force a business to make things right with you, but many businesses do respond to complaints filed with the organization.

Also, if it’s feasible, consider saving up to move your father to another cemetery so that you don’t have to deal with this one in perpetuity.

Dear Eric: My 35-year-old daughter “Mary” and I were very close in her early 20s, after she emerged from troubled teen years of substance abuse and self-destructive behaviors. She continues to stay clean and sober, with a successful career.

But several years ago, things went sideways between us. Everything I said made her angry.

I’m always walking on eggshells, never questioning anything or bringing up any deeper topics. Because if I do, she will make a cutting remark or misconstrue my words to be a criticism. And she can be mean.

Mary gets angry if I don’t call her enough but often sounds annoyed when I do. The push-me-pull-you is exhausting.

We adopted Mary at birth, and there is a history of mental illness and substance abuse in her biological parents. She now says she has abandonment issues due to being adopted. I’ve suggested therapy, which of course she blew up at, seeing it as a criticism.

Four years ago, my husband and I made good on our lifelong dream to go sailing around the world. Mary was a grown woman by then and she seemed happy for us. But she has since expressed intense anger at our “abandoning” her, even though we have flown back to see her at least once a year.

I love my daughter, but her anger and cruelty can leave me feeling broken. I can handle things when it’s just phone calls, but it’s always worse in person.

How can I keep her upcoming visit from being the emotional “poop” show I fear it will be?

– Beleaguered Mom

Dear Mom: Oof, I’m sorry – Mary is really going through it, and you are, too. It’s so hard when no one is getting what they need.

It makes me sad that Mary isn’t willing to avail herself of therapy. Therapy isn’t a punishment or an indicator that there’s something broken about anyone; it’s a tool that can help you understand yourself and others, as well as process the things that have happened to you.

It sounds like Mary’s biological parents left her with some things she needs to work through. This is understandable and it’s not something that yelling at you is going to solve.

While she may not yet be ready for therapy, you should go on your own, preferably to a therapist who has experience working with adoptive families.

The volatile way that Mary treats you obviously has a negative impact. Protecting yourself might look like coming up with a set of scripts for when Mary visits or rearranging the schedule so that you aren’t spending more time together than is comfortable.

Dear Eric: I agree with your thoughts to “Overworked,” the high school student who was juggling work and high school.

As a workforce development specialist and school-work consultant, I’d make an additional suggestion: In this era, work-based activity is increasingly being recognized in the K-12 arena as a valid way to gain high school and even college credit. “Overworked” might want to also talk to a school counselor to see if they have work-based learning opportunities. (Learn and Earn, in some states, is one of several graduation pathways).

Thanks for letting me chime in.

– Other Ways to Earn

Dear Other Ways: Thanks for this suggestion. A work opportunity that also helps the letter writer achieve academic goals is an ideal solution.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.