A Beginner’s Guide to Bondage
Culture is lightly obsessed with kinky sex right now. So, after watching Babygirl, you may have had an overwhelming urge to go to Basement or to have Harris Dickinson call you a “good girl.” Or perhaps you thought to yourself, I want my partner to give up control to me.
Okay, hot! As many of us are learning from Dying for Sex, there are plenty of ways to explore kink as a top. One of the best is bondage, the “B” in BDSM — a.k.a., tying someone up. (There’s also a chance that coming across shibari sparked your curiosity. Hi, SZA.)
Here, a sex therapist and two experienced rope tops — as in, the people who do the tying up — have the details about what rope to use, how to restrain someone safely, and how to talk to your partner about whether they’d be into it to begin with.
How to talk about bondage with a partner
Maybe the biggest hurdle to tying someone up is bringing up that you want to. Juliana Hauser, a sex therapist based in Lexington, Kentucky, suggests that talking to a partner about kink can be casual and take place when you’re not actively hooking up — this will help you both relax about it. Dr. Hauser suggests these templates as potential conversation starters:
• “I read something recently about bondage. Have you ever thought about trying it?”
• “I’m interested in learning more about rope play. Is that something you would want to do with me?”
• “I saw this post about shibari, and when I finished the rabbit hole it took me down, I was really turned on. Do you know much about it?”
If they’re intrigued, you can explain what you are and aren’t interested in — e.g., maybe you’re down to tie them up, but you’re also open to being tied up yourself. And let them know that they have time to think (and maybe even fantasize) about it before you actually break out the cuffs.
How to get consent before and throughout tying someone up
Soft Daddy is a New York City–based rope specialist — basically, they get paid to tie people up safely. He uses porn as an entry point when discussing bondage with a newcomer. He suggests buying videos “that visualize the bondage you’re into” and asking your partner to watch together. That way, they can see what you mean, instead of being like, Are you suggesting that we chain me to a radiator? (Maybe! I don’t know your life. Either way, this will help them understand.)
Dr. Hauser says that many of her clients share that “the sex play of rope begins with the discussion of consent.” Meaning: Talking about what you’ll do together beforehand is part of what makes it hot, so you really don’t have to worry about “taking the fun out of it.” Instead, get specific. You’ll have to say more than just, “Can I tie you to my headboard?” without going into what parts of your bodies will be involved and how your partner wants to participate. Both Dr. Hauser and Soft Daddy suggest using plain language to avoid misunderstandings. As in:
• “Do you want your arms to be tied?”
• “Is putting rope in your mouth okay?”
• “Should I steer clear of any parts of your body?”
• “If I think of something mid-act that we haven’t discussed, can I ask you in the moment, or keep it as an idea for another time?”
• “I need XYZ to cool down once we’re done. What about you?”
• “What about nonverbal cues? Is there anything I should look out for?”
If your partner agrees that it’s cool beforehand, you can touch them as you go and ask them if they want to feel rope there, or get into a particular position and ask if you can restrain them that way. Safe words are another classic option for communicating consent throughout. As Soft Daddy says, “You can always pause and check in. If you can’t take feedback or find it difficult to take things slow, bondage may not be for you.”
What kind of rope, restraints, and knots to use during bondage play
Dr. Hauser considers velcro restraints and bondage tape safe and easy starting options, but cautions against metal cuffs, zip ties, thin cords, or belts, as they can be harder to manipulate carefully or even cause nerve damage or circulation issues. Bondage tape is easy as hell to use. It only sticks to itself, so you’re not going to accidentally rip any arm hair off, and removal is simple. Soft bondage cuffs, whether velcro or not, are more comfortable and safer on your nerves than regular handcuffs. Plus, they’re easier to get out of in a hurry.
While you can use bondage tape or velcro restraints with little to no instruction, if you want to up the ante, you’ll need practice. Shibari Study is a good resource for at-home tying classes if you’re looking to use rope. Kissmedeadlydoll, a bondage specialist based in New York City, says that cotton rope is great for most of your needs, as it’s soft and washable. “Be aware that it stretches a lot and is not safe for a suspension-type tying,” she says. Polyester rope is another washable option, but it’s slippery. Jute and hemp are natural fibers, so they can’t be washed and have to be broken in, and they’re maybe not the best place to start.
From there: May I suggest learning a single-column tie, which forms a cuff around a single body part, and double-column tie, which ties two things together? These are the most basic knots in rope bondage, and you’ll need to be a master at them to move onto more complex ties (or suspension). They’re also just hot all on their own. The best part of single- and double-column ties are that they’re perfect to use on wrists and ankles, so you can lab (kinkspeak for “practice”) with a partner. It’s not all business, though — feel free to mix in other kinds of kink if you’re into that, like orgasm control or light impact. Whatever you do, remember to take it slow and have fun — and maybe try it the other way sometime, too.