Harriette Cole: I can’t be happy when I’m with my childless friends
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a newish mom. My daughter is approaching her first birthday, but I still feel like a newbie.
Learning all the tricks of motherhood has been a whirlwind, but something I didn’t expect to be so hard is the shift I’ve been feeling in so many of my adult relationships.
I am the only one from my immediate friend group who is a mother. When I’m having a tough time with my daughter and need support, I’m afraid to be a burden to my friends. When I’m having great days with my daughter, I neglect my friends.
When I do see them, they forget that my child exists or forget that I exist as they ooh and aah over photos of her.
I don’t want to hold anything against them because it feels like maybe I’m the one who can’t be pleased right now.
Is there any way to create a better balance for me? How can I be a mom and have my childless friends, too?
— Solo Mom
DEAR SOLO MOM: As impossible as this may seem, you need to expand your friend group, adding in at least one mom.
In this way, you will have someone to talk to who understands your new reality. That will take the pressure off of your other friends. It can also help you be less sensitive when they don’t understand your needs.
You can also be honest with your friends and tell them that sometimes you need them to support you, even if they don’t really understand what you are going through. Chances are, somebody from your group will try to step up.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I just wanted to mention that your advice to “Peer Pressure,” the person who didn’t have interest or time to prep for a marathon with friends, was perfect.
Around 30 years ago I was faced with the same problem, and I chose not to participate. At that time, I felt I had too much going on in my life; my kids were younger, and I didn’t feel that I could train properly without sacrificing valuable family time.
I don’t regret my decision, but at times it has been hard because of the teasing that I took and the passing of a good friend from the complications of the leukemia that he had beaten at the time.
Your solution to this person’s problem — to be the documentarian of the group’s journey — is perfect and would’ve been a great way for me to have helped with their efforts while maintaining valuable family time.
— Protecting What You Value Most
DEAR PROTECTING WHAT YOU VALUE MOST: We so often guilt ourselves into doing things that don’t make sense. Thinking outside the box for ways to stay connected to others without bowing to peer pressure is important and can be difficult to envision, but it’s definitely worth it.
DEAR HARRIETTE: “Broken Vows” wrote to you about finding a condom in her husband’s pants pocket. She might also want to consider being tested for sexually transmitted infections — and, in conversation with the husband, mention this.
— Better Safe
DEAR BETTER SAFE: Absolutely, this is great, practical advice.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.