'My Boyfriend Had Sex With An AI. Am I Allowed To Call It Cheating?'

Though not everyone seems to be on board with Mark Zuckerberg’s suggestion – that Meta’s AI bots could help to combat the loneliness epidemic – more and more of us are using the tech for everything from exams to therapy. 

Some people have even made themselves AI “girlfriends,” too.

Concerns have previously been raised over men “verbally abusing” their bot beaus, and some wonder whether AI girlfriends might lead to a “new wave” of women’s objectification.

For Redditor Consistent_Ask_8134, though, the issue poses a more pressing question: does her husband’s relationship with his screen amount to cheating?

We asked Dr Marisa T. Cohen, a marriage and family therapist, former professor of psychology, and current dating expert at Hily, where to begin with this issue.

The couple have been married for 14 years

The original poster (OP) said that she recently walked in on her husband, with whom she has been married for over 14 years, having phone sex with AI bot which was “clearly very tailored to his desires.” 

The experience left her feeling betrayed, she said. “It felt like a knife went through me, and I couldn’t stop shaking.”

OP added she and her partner had “agreed” before marriage that emotional cheating was OK, but not physical; still, she’d previously felt stung by his use of porn, and doesn’t like that it seems he’s having “sex” with the AI “every night.” 

“I know he’s gonna say it’s not a big deal no matter what, and I think this is what will upset me the most,” she added. “He is going to say it’s just like reading a book or any fantasy.” 

He has also admitted to talking to the AI for “hours” every day outside of the “sex,” telling his wife the bot “made him feel understood.” 

The poster wants to know whether she’s “overreacting” for feeling so hurt. 

“This needs to be a discussion.”

Every couple (and person) has their own definition of “cheating,” Dr Cohen tells us.

“What one partner views as engaging with AI in a completely acceptable way, another may view as cheating. This is something that must be discussed, so that both partners are aware of how the other feels.” 

Disclosing information to an AI and not your partner – as OP’s husband seems to be doing – can count as “emotional infidelity,” the expert adds. 

This “can have a major impact on a relationship as it erodes the bond you have with your partner.”

Often, she says, “people that are involved in emotional cheating are sharing experiences with another (in this case AI) at the expense of sharing these moments, memories, or insights with their partners. This can create a distance between partners.” 

In other words, OP ought to be allowed to call this cheating; not only does the sex cross over their previous “physical intimacy” boundary, but it’s unfair to class this as the kind of “emotional cheating” the poster would have expected 14 years ago. Also, boundaries can change, which the husband should have checked. 

“It is very challenging to get over an emotional affair, but it can certainly be done,” Dr Cohen ends. 

“It is important that both partners want to work on their relationship and that the emotional affair is acknowledged and ended. This becomes more complicated in this case, as the partners may have different beliefs as to whether cheating has occurred.”