Sex in back row, filthy pick ‘n’ mix and rats… cinema worker’s confessions about the grubby goings-on at the pictures
WATCHING as the hordes file out of the cinema I gird my loins for what I might find during the clean-up – knowing it won’t be pretty.
Some of the sights are more X-rated and horror-filled than many of the films.
In my five years working in a cinema I have cleared up everything from used condoms to a poo, which was by far the most revolting discovery.
It was two years ago but still haunts me.
I remember catching sight of it from the corner of my eye — it wasn’t quite under the seat and they had half- covered it with an empty sweet packet, but the stench was unmistakeable.
It had been a mid-afternoon midweek performance, so the screen wasn’t crowded, but I still have no idea how or indeed why they did it.
I immediately called in my co-workers and we argued about who should remove it. In the end I volunteered, on condition that I got paid time and a half and was allowed to go straight home.
Thankfully that was a one-off.
Next up has to be the rats. They make regular appearances and we have to get pest control in every month or so.
‘Rats dart under the velvet seats’
I once took the rubbish to the main big wheelie bin and was busy compressing it when I saw one so huge I thought it was a cat. It was terrifying.
Other times I have seen them scuttling around screening rooms. It’s horrifying to see them dart under the velvet seats.
It’s probably because we don’t actually clean quite as thoroughly as we should.
A lot of food is spilt by the audience and when there’s a huge new release we only have ten minutes or so to clean a room where 400 people have been sitting, munching their popcorn and sweets, before the next lot come in.
If I’m in a rush, I just sweep it under the seat to be dealt with later, then forget where I did this.
But, if I’m being honest, we’re slapdash anyway.
I started working in a cinema because I love films and get to watch them for free, not because I like cleaning up after people, so I don’t scrupulously disinfect every cup holder.
Thankfully used condoms are a rarer find than they used to be since we put in night-vision CCTV a couple of years ago and play it out into the foyer.
Punters can see what goes on and it acts a deterrent as they wouldn’t want to be projected to the masses.
Before that, couples used to come in for sex all the time and we’d find a used condom every couple of weeks, just lying on the floor or under the seats.
The first couple of times I was horrified, but I got used to it. We had one couple who visited weekly on a Tuesday morning and would get it on, full sex, in the back row. They didn’t realise we knew what they were up to, as we once took someone in who was late for a screening and we saw what was happening.
We checked on another Tuesday, and sure enough, they were going at it. Every week, they’d come out smiling and they were always snogging.
If we were feeling mischievous, one of us would change out of uniform and go and sit beside them just to stop them in their tracks.
‘We had sex in the popcorn cupboard’
In fairness, they never left a used condom so we only spoilt their fun occasionally.
I’ll never forget the disappointment on their faces when they saw the CCTV playing in the foyer.
It wasn’t them on the screen but they realised they couldn’t do it any more.
But some people still manage to as we find those used condoms under the seats and fight over who is going to clean it up. The couples must lie on the floor to evade the cameras.
I have to confess that the cinema workers can be just as risque in staff previews of shows.
I was dating a fellow employee and we’d discreetly sit in the back row to have our fun — we went all the way at least three times. It was before the CCTV cameras and in empty screens, so we never got caught.
I also had sex with the same partner in the cupboard where we stored the food — including the popcorn. And I have to admit it’s just one of the reasons I’d never eat the food in the cinema.
The nacho cheese is often left out for hours at a time and the popcorn is reheated.
But worst of all are the pick ’n’ mix sweets.
I’ve watched kids scurry over to them and pick up handfuls, only for parents — understandably worried about the horrific cost — go and grab them out of their hands and put them back in the tub.
And the big tubs are never emptied, we just keep pouring new sweets on top of the old ones, though the scoops get a cursory wash every day.
Talking of children, I was very glad when they stopped doing the kids’ club.
I was in charge of it for a year, greeting all the children and helping them find their seats.
Their parents would often say they were popping to the loo but clearly saw me as a babysitter. They’d disappear for about half an hour leaving me with their child.
‘I don’t go looking for trouble’
I’m only 23 and don’t have children but did get nits constantly thanks to these movie goers. Young children aren’t the biggest nuisance, it’s the ones allowed in on their own, aged around 12.
They think it’s hilarious to have popcorn fights and I’ve had to chuck these children out several times. Generally speaking it’s not a rowdy crowd and, bar the odd drunk at a late-night screening, we don’t get too much aggro.
I don’t go looking for trouble and I rarely pull a customer up on something.
But I did have to stop a family who thought it was OK to bring in a full Indian takeaway — strong-smelling food might ruin the experience for other customers.
One of the reasons we never turn the lights up full before the audience leaves is because we don’t want them to see how stained the seats are.
Suspicious matter would definitely be found on the fabric of a lot of our seats if anyone looked closely.
I’m not too vigilant about checking ID for age-rated films.
If they look near enough to 15 or 18 I’ll let it go, unless they’ve been overly cocky, in which case I will demand to see it.
My manager is pretty good at turning a blind eye too.
If I’m meeting friends after a late shift I’ll bring in a small bottle of vodka and pre-drink using the cinema slushies as my mixer, so I’m not too far behind my friends in drunkenness when I meet them.
The manager knows and is yet to sack me thankfully as, despite the rats and the nits, I love working here.