I'm A Psychologist – 'Enstagements' May Be The Worst Way To Propose

Wedding experts at Hitched say that May to October is peak wedding season in the UK, meaning jewellers and dressmakers are at their busiest. 

But if the season of love has inspired you to plan your own proposal, clinical psychologist Marina Leybina (who’s paired with jewellery brand Glamira) said there’s one method of popping the question most people dread.

This, she told HuffPost UK, is an “enstagement,” which a YouGov poll finds only 5% of Brits would actually prefer. 

What’s an “enstagement”?

An “enstagement,” Leybina told us, involves pressuring your partner to say “yes” by proposing in an extravagant and/or public way. 

That might mean going down on one knee in the middle of their favourite concert, or even doing so on social media. 

“Flash mobs, stadiums, or loud restaurants can feel overwhelming, not romantic” to many, she shared – some even argue the all-eyes-on-us approach can be coercive.

Though the gesture can be a beautiful one if you’re sure your partner is on board, proposing at family gatherings, weddings, and even at work can also be a no-go, the psychologist continued. 

“One of the key threads throughout these situations is that they could put pressure on your partner, and make them feel like they have to say yes, because people are watching or just because they have gone to so much trouble to ‘stage’ the perfect proposal.” 

A recording camera lens or watchful public can add to that sense of obligation.

Perhaps it’s no wonder The Self and Well-Being Lab at the University of Victoria found that public proposals are 1.73 times more likely to be turned down than public ones.

What if I really want a public proposal?

Leybina said subtly checking how your partner feels about public or very visible proposals is key.

That might take the form of discussing viral public proposal videos with them (there are plenty to pick from, for both good and bad reasons). 

Again, every couple is different, and the 5% of the population who said they’d prefer a public proposal may adore the spectacle. 

The key, the expert said, is checking in as often as you can to ensure such a move wouldn’t make your partner say “yes” out of awkwardness or fear of judgment (the University of Victoria research found that some audiences become hostile after a woman said “no” to a public proposal). 

Straightforwardly asking them what they think could be your best option if you’re unsure. 

And if you’re hoping to receive, rather than give, an “enstagement,” make your wishes known as clearly as possible.