Fearful of reaching your next milestone age? A psychologist’s tips to combat the ‘birthday blues’
Birthdays are typically seen as joyful events, filled with celebration, laughter and gifts. Yet it’s not uncommon, particularly if you are approaching a milestone age, to feel sad on your birthday.
Birthdays can trigger painful emotions for anyone who may feel neglected, lonely, or disappointed about how their lives turned out to be. They are also reminders of ageing and mortality, and may bring feelings of grief for lost time or fear about the future.
Milestone birthdays, such as turning 30 or 40, are even associated with particularly high instances of suicide, according to research from Japan. More people also die of stroke and a heart attack around their birthdays than on other days.
All of these negative feelings, whether extreme depression or just feeling a bit disappointed, make up what’s sometimes known as the “birthday blues”.
Read more: Fear of ageing is really a fear of the unknown – and modern society is making things worse
One important factor influencing whether you will get the birthday blues is how satisfied you are with your life. Life satisfaction is the degree to which you feel your life aligns with your expectations, and whether you have met, exceeded or fallen short of your life goals.
If you’re approaching a big birthday, you may feel susceptible to the comparison trap of social media, or feel self-conscious about where you are in life. Birthdays are an often unwelcome benchmark by which to measure how well we are doing at any given age.
No one’s 20s and 30s look the same. You might be saving for a mortgage or just struggling to pay rent. You could be swiping dating apps, or trying to understand childcare. No matter your current challenges, our Quarter Life series has articles to share in the group chat, or just to remind you that you’re not alone.
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Another important factor is whether you have a clear sense of meaning in your life. A clear sense of meaning is associated with greater wellbeing, while ongoing search for meaning is associated with mental health challenges.
Milestone birthdays often prompt people to re-evaluate their meaning in life. This introspection may result in emotional distress, a decline in wellbeing or even suicidal thoughts – or, it can be a positive step into a new decade.
Rewriting your birthday
You might imagine what you would like your milestone birthday celebration to look like, but sometimes reality does not match up. Perhaps you imagined a big party, only to realise you don’t have the social circle to make it happen, or that friends are busy with work and other commitments. You may long for a quiet birthday with a partner and children, yet find yourself still living with your parents, or without a partner or family of your own.
Here are some practical steps you can take to have a more positive approach to your birthday.
1. Envision your best possible self
My colleague and I once worked with a small group of women aged over 55 who struggled to look forward to their retirement. For many, their future felt uncertain, even frightening. To help them shift their mindset, we introduced an activity “Best Possible Self”.
We encouraged participants to re-imagine their future, focusing on what could go well for them and setting up goals to make their vision come true. After three months, even those who dreaded talking about the future noted a significant increase in hopefulness. The activity reminded them that good times could still come.
Writing about your best possible self for just 20 minutes a day over a few days, especially around your birthday, could help you re-imagine your future and nurture a sense of hope, no matter what stage of life you are in.
2. Pick an alternative birthday setting or an activity
Birthdays don’t have to be a big night out. Plan an activity or visit a place you genuinely enjoy and which brings you happiness or comfort. This could be a walk in a park, attending a theatre performance, or a cosy day at home.
Instead of just going through the motions, focus on enhancing the emotional quality of the experience. Pick a park that holds a special meaning or memories for you, or plan some home-based activities that energise you, such as cooking your favourite meal, creating art or watching a movie you love.
3. Practice mindful awareness
Notice the sounds, smells and other sensations as you go through your day. Pay attention to the emotions that arise, whether it is joy, nostalgia or hope.
Reflect on how your thoughts have changed as a result of this experience. Perhaps think about what you are grateful for, what you’ve achieved in the last year, how far you have come from more challenging times in the past or what your hopeful vision is towards the future.
4. Express and reinforce your positive experiences
Find meaningful ways to express yourself and record your birthday. This might be by writing an entry in a journal, calling someone and sharing your insights, or creating something, like a playlist, photo collage, or drawing to capture this moment.
Fear of ageing is also about fear of the unknown. We can combat this by cultivating hope – recognising what is going well for us in life and believing in the possibility of better days ahead.
To ease the pressure of having a “happy birthday”, it might help to aim instead for a more compassionate “hopeful birthday”. This mindset acknowledges the complexity of ageing, and leaves room for both celebration and vulnerability. In a world that demands constant positivity, where we’re expected to keep smiling, stay positive and suppress discomfort, it offers us a break to be ourselves.
The risk of suicide around birthdays is particularly high for those who have depression or autism. If you are feeling upset about your birthday or belong to a vulnerable group, reach out to a helpline, counsellor, therapist, family member or a friend and ask for support during this challenging time. It is easier to tackle the birthday blues together, than do it on your own.
In the UK: Samaritans are available by phone, for free, at 116 123, or by email at jo@samaritans.org. Further resources can also be found here.
Jolanta Burke does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.