'I'm An Introvert. Is It Bad I Don't Ever Have My Kids' Friends Over?'
A parent who described herself as an introvert has opened up about feeling “exhausted” by having her children’s friends over at her house – so, she avoids doing it. But she’s worried about what other parents might think.
The parent of six-year-old twins said their friends are “very cute kids” but added that she doesn’t want them playing at her house.
“Is that weird?” she asked r/Parenting. “My kids have been at their homes but I never have them come over to our home.”
The mum caveated that if her kids do want to have a playdate, she’ll invite their friends (and their mums) to a playdate at the park.
“We always go somewhere public,” she added. “I am just worried that it will ruffle feathers and the mums might think that I just don’t want to do playdates at all. That isn’t true. I just really struggle when it’s in my own home.”
For context, the parent added she’s had some trouble with their cat urinating on the carpet and their litter-boxes are in the bathroom, which makes her feel “self conscious” if they have visitors.
She also struggles with the balance of letting the kids play and hovering around to make sure they’re safe. She added playdates would involve “a lot of me saying ‘please don’t go on the top bunk. Please do cartwheels away from the tv. No I can’t have you play outside by yourselves’.”
She continued: “And I know I should be more patient with it but it’s so exhausting for me. I struggle with it so bad. I try to be patient. I really do! I’m better away from home and with their parents around to parent them.”
What does a therapist think?
Helen Hazell-English, a BACP member and counsellor at Mum Therapy, told HuffPost UK “many mothers end up feeling ashamed and like they are failing in some way” thanks to society’s “perfect mother myth”.
“We are all flawed, ordinary, and most of us are doing our best,” she noted.
The counsellor said the matter of having playdates at home or not doesn’t have to be rigidly held onto as “an identity, problem or final decision for all time”. It’s simply her decision right now. She might change her mind as the children age and need less supervision, for instance.
“Having said that it’s ok to have personal preferences, limitations and boundaries,” said Hazell-English. “She is facilitating playdates that work for her. There are no rules about what playdates have to look like.”
The counsellor suggested that as time goes on, ideally she would be open to her children telling her what they think. If they ask for playdates at home and it becomes important to them, the counsellor said “if possible she could perhaps explore what’s so difficult about it for her and what she might put in place to make home playdates possible”.
“This might include: keeping them short, waiting until the children are older and need less input, only inviting one friend at a time, not doing them often, having another adult help, quiet time scheduled afterwards, earplugs, staying in the garden, [doing a] certain kind of activity such as a movie night with snacks.
″[There are] So many creative options to experiment with and tailor to her.”
And if it’s still the case that she doesn’t want to do the playdates at home, the expert suggests she should be honest with her children and support their feelings about it.
“Humans do disappoint and frustrate each other in relationships, it’s inevitable. She is allowed to say ‘no’ and they are allowed to be expressive about their feelings about that. I’m sure there are many things she does with them that are enriching and fun,” she added.
Should she tell her mum friends?
The counsellor noted that it sounds like the parent’s position being unspoken is causing her some social anxiety, “like she feels she is hiding something and just about getting away with it”.
“It may help for the mother to recognise that she is allowed to have this boundary of only outside playdates, and to give herself compassion, grace and permission,” said Hazell-English.
“She doesn’t have to explain herself but she may find it helps to tell the other mums that this is her preference, so it’s out there and established as her boundary. She can say why, but again she doesn’t have to.”