Harriette Cole: I’m embarrassed that my daughter is ‘that kid’ in day care

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m really struggling with a situation involving my toddler.

She’s normally sweet and affectionate at home, but lately her day care provider has told me she has been trying to hit other children during playtime.

This behavior has become more frequent, and I’m starting to get concerned — not just about the other kids, but about what this says about her development and emotional regulation.

We’ve tried talking to her about how hitting hurts others and isn’t acceptable, and we’ve used timeouts and redirection techniques, but nothing seems to be sticking. I feel embarrassed when I pick her up and hear about another incident, and I worry that the day care staff and the other parents are judging her or think I’m not doing enough.

I know toddlers are still learning how to manage their emotions and communicate their needs, but I’m not sure what else I should be doing. I want to raise a kind and respectful child, and this aggressive behavior is making me feel like I’m failing somehow.

How do I guide her through this phase in a way that’s effective and loving?

— Out-of-Control Toddler

DEAR OUT-OF-CONTROL TODDLER: First, talk to the leadership of the day care and whoever works directly with your child.

Ask about any incidents that may have sparked her behavior. Ask them to partner with you to observe what may be triggering her.

Next, visit your pediatrician to get a checkup. Find out if there are any health issues that might have sparked this behavior. You might also ask for a psych evaluation.

Continue to offer loving support as you reinforce and model healthy behavior.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am writing about your initial response to “True Friendship,” the reader whose friend pretended not to know them when they fell.

One of the first things you said to the reader was that you wondered if they had been drinking and that it was possibly a trigger for the friend who kept on walking.

If a person drinks themselves to the level of falling in public, that’s one thing. However, people fall for many reasons, and perpetuating the “drunk falling in public” trope when there are often more health-related issues at play is worrisome and frustrating.

I have a connective tissue disorder and have fallen in public multiple times. It’s always embarrassing. I have a friend with a chronic illness who is prone to fall if she moves too quickly from a seated position. Neither of us ever imbibes alcohol, yet we both fall in public.

Your suggestion about checking to see if anything is amiss is a good one; I didn’t know about my connective tissue disorder until I had fallen in public multiple times and thought that was how the rest of my life was going to be.

I know you have only so much space in which to respond to a person, but immediately returning the perceived blame back on to the person who wrote to you felt uncalled for and was an unhelpful use of your wisdom and experience.

— Other Reasons

DEAR OTHER REASONS: You and others have admonished me about the alcohol assumption. I accept your pushback. Thank you for pointing out other reasons the reader may have fallen.

Most important related to the original question is that friends who are with friends who fall need to have their back — not ever turn away.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.