Can You 'Habit Stack' Sex Back Into Your Relationship?

There’s not much point in putting a strict number on how much sex is too little for a couple – everyone’s different, experts agree. 

Some research has found that only 26% of couples hit the once-weekly mark.

But if you’re experiencing a “dead bedroom” (an informal term that refers to couples having little to no sex) that you or your partner is unhappy with, you may want to address it.

Approaching the topic with curiosity and speaking to a professional can help if you’re not one of the many couples who are perfectly happy with a quiet sex life, Medical News Today wrote. 

But sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, says that “habit stacking” intimacy might help those seeking a little more spark, too.

What’s “habit stacking,” and how can it improve your sex life?

Habit stacking, designed to help you stick to new goals, involves tacking a new habit onto your existing rituals to build it into your routine more seamlessly. 

Personally, I’ve started prepping the next day’s breakfast while the kettle’s boiling for my post-dinner tea. It’s really helped to cement the practice. 

Roos told us that physical and emotional closeness can be similarly “stacked” for some couples, too (given, of course, that both people want more).

“In most long-term relationships, having an active sex life is mostly about prioritising and taking time for intimacy,” she said.

Too many of us feel sex has to be spontaneous, she says, leading us to have less of it as we integrate into one another’s lives. 

But habit stacking sex “doesn’t feel as scheduled as planning the sex in detail, because you connect sex and intimacy to an environment rather than to a time” (maybe you’ve set aside some “together time” following your Sunday hike, for instance). 

This can build a delicious anticipation for some.

Another benefit? “It can take away lots of the pressure many couples feel around being spontaneous and passionate, and it also makes it easier for one of you to take initiative,” the sexologist shared.

That’s partly because habit-stacking intimacy doesn’t mean you need to have sex every time.

“It’s more about [taking] initiative” to create closeness, be it through sex, kissing, cuddling, or just a DMC, she advised.

The sexologist isn’t the only one to recommend the method

Jaimee Bell, editorial director at erotic audiobook site Bloom Stories, calls these moments of “habit-stacked” closeness “intimacy anchors.” 

“When we’re busy, planning ahead and being consistent doesn’t just build routine, it builds arousal,” she told HuffPost UK.

“Once you drop enough anchors around your week – tiny rituals that prime your body and mind for intimacy – you stop waiting for the ‘right mood’ and start creating it.”  

While Roos doesn’t think the method will work for everyone, she does recommend those seeking more passion to “connect it to an activity that’s already intimate, or that welcomes intimacy naturally.” 

You might try taking showers together rather than alone a couple of times a week, for instance, or begin a cuddling sesh after your Saturday breakfast in bed (without pressuring one another to have sex, of course).

“As always, when it comes to sex, there are no ‘one size fits all’ solutions,” Roos commented. 

“For some, habit stacking your sex life works great and will save it from running dry, while for others, it feels forced and unnatural.

“The only way you can find out is to give it a proper try!”