'I'm Glad My Parents Aren't Invited To My Sister's Wedding. Was I Wrong To Tell Them That?'
Wedding planning is incredibly stressful. There’s the expense, the (surprisingly political) guest list, the weather – to name just three stressors.
And that’s without the added complication of a difficult family dynamic.
Sometimes, as Redditor u/ThrowRAsisterswed shows, the tensions can build so high that the couple don’t even want to invite their own parents to the big day.
Writing to r/AITAH (Am I The Asshole Here), the site user asked: “AITAH for telling my parents they were deserve to be kicked out of my sisters wedding?”
So, we asked relationship therapist and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, about how to decide whether you should cut your relatives out of the celebration.
The bride-to-be’s brother is the “golden child”
The original poster (OP), who is the bride’s sister, says their parents have always given their son more leeway than the rest of their children.
“He has been babied to the point of uselessness by our mum and dad, and that’s made him an entitled slob,” she wrote, adding: “he could do wrong in my parents’ eyes.”
The brother has always performed “pranks” on his sister, “Kelly,” who is soon to be married. These included pulling her dress up at a family wedding.
As an adult, Kelly has distanced herself from her family. But at her recent engagement party, her sister said she brought the family back together again.
At this event, the brother tried to “prank” Kelly again by pouring water all over her. He was stopped by Kelly’s fiancé, who was so annoyed by the brother’s behaviour that he banned him from their wedding.
When their parents tried to justify their adult son’s actions, Kelly and her fiancé decided to ban them from the wedding, too.
Her sister told their parents she was right to do so, asking: “AITAH for telling my parents that they sucked a parents and deserved to be kicked out of my sisters wedding?”
Ask yourself 3 questions to see where your boundaries should lie
Roos tells us that though you might feel guilty about enforcing them, boundaries are “not a punishment towards others, but a protection for your own well-being.”
Those can sometimes include cutting your parents out of your wedding.
Still, she admits it’s a “loaded” topic, and has suggested some questions to ask yourself when considering which course of action to take.
Have your parents consistently ignored or diminished your boundaries, for instance?
If so, Roos says, “that’s a sign that setting a big boundary such as not inviting them to your wedding might be necessary to fully relax, be yourself and have a great time at your own wedding.”
Secondly, how do you feel when you spend time with your parents? Feeling tense or stressed about their presence is a red flag, she warns.
Lastly, “ask yourself what your wedding day would feel like without them – would it be easier to have a great day due to not needing to worry about criticism, drama, sneaky comments, or guilt?
If you are feeling relieved of the thought of them not coming... then that’s a strong indicator” you shouldn’t invite them, the therapist ends.
Sounds like in this case, the Redditor is in the right.