Asking Eric: Nobody will tell me how my friend died, and I’m thinking of involving the law

Dear Eric: Via complete happenstance I have recently become aware of my oldest friend’s death about a year ago.

Mary and I grew up across the street from one another in the ’60s and ’70s. I played with her and with her older brother as kids, and our families were close. She had been my friend for about 60 years.

I have been desperate to learn the circumstances of her death. I have googled my brains out and followed up every lead. There are no obituaries available online, and no death notices, either. There are no newspaper articles about her death.

Her attorney’s secretary won’t let me talk to him, citing attorney-client confidentiality, even though she is deceased, and he withdrew himself from representing her upon her death. The heir of her estate will not return my calls. I can’t even nail down where she died so I can file a Freedom of Information Act request with the appropriate law enforcement agencies.

I don’t have a claim on her estate. I have no ulterior motive whatsoever. I just want to know what happened to my old friend. I have tried everything I know. I was hoping that you might have some ideas.

– Friend in the Dark

Dear Friend: You have my sympathies – it can be so difficult to learn of a friend’s passing and not have the closure afforded by a service, a conversation or more information.

It’s possible that Mary’s heir and/or her family want to keep the circumstances of her death private. It’s also possible that there isn’t much to know and, were you to discover it, it wouldn’t give you the peace you’re seeking.

Some of this pursuit is probably motivated by grief. That makes sense. And it’s perfectly natural to want to know more details about a loved one’s death. But details won’t serve you as much as finding a way to commemorate the relationship that you had and the life that she lived.

Take some time to focus on her, maybe on a walk in nature or someplace that held special meaning to you both. Thank her for being a part of your life and wish her well on her journey. The “how” of her death matters, but the details of her life and your relationship matter more and will help sustain you through your grief.

Dear Eric: I read the letter from “Outside Only,” who was unhappy that a guest at a Fourth of July party thought it was too hot outside and spent the evening inside.

I know you were answering the host, but you were not empathetic to the guest. There are some people who simply cannot handle heat. I am one of them. Outside summer heat causes me intense physical pain and discomfort and makes it very difficult to even visit with others and enjoy a party.

Now that the hosts knows this is a problem, this year they could try to accommodate all of the guests by putting seating under umbrellas, or in the shade of the house, or setting out fans in a couple of areas.

How many people really enjoy being outside in the middle of the hot summer sun for hours?

– Nebraska is Hot

Dear Nebraska: From the letter, it sounds like the host was actually quite accommodating – no word on umbrellas as it was an evening party, but the letter writer spent the duration of the event inside with the guest even though the fireworks-viewing party was, as they tend to be, outside.

However, not to put too fine a point on it, but sometimes guests have to make a decision about whether a particular party is for them. If the gathering is outside and one doesn’t want to be outside, one doesn’t have to go.

Dear Eric: This is in reference to “Worried in Wisconsin,” from a substance abuse clinician who was concerned about a niece’s opioid abuse.

Speaking as a physician, make sure everyone in your niece’s life has and knows how to use Narcan. Only the niece can decide to pursue treatment, but anyone can provide lifesaving treatment if she overdoses.

– Physician Reader

Dear Physician: Narcan, a brand name for naloxone, a medication that is used to rapidly reverse opioid overdoses, is an important resource. It is available, in some cases for free and prescription-free, through some state and local agencies and community distribution programs. It comes in multiple forms including a nasal spray.

Bystander training can be completed in less than an hour and is available online through organizations like the Red Cross and many states’ Department of Health. While naloxone can reverse the effects of opioid overdose, per the National Institute of Drug Abuse, it is still imperative to call 911 immediately so that the individual can receive attention and continued monitoring.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.