Trump declines parade march, citing sudden bone spur flare-up
WASHINGTON — President Donald J. Trump announced today he will not be marching in Saturday’s march to honor the Army’s 250th anniversary, citing a sudden and severe resurgence of bone spurs— a condition historically known for flaring up at the exact moment when patriotism becomes physically demanding.
“Believe me, nobody respects the troops more than I do,” Trump said while mid-swing on the back nine. “But the bones in my feet — and they’re some of the best bones, really — are under siege. Total war zone.”
Trump, whose love for the military is famously exceeded only by his love for deferring from it, emphasized his support for “all the beautiful troops doing their marchy things,” but noted that his personal physician and several Fox News contributors moonlighting as orthopedic experts advised him to sit this one out.
“It’s medical. Real medical,” Trump added. “Not like that fake medical where people say they got concussions from Iranian missiles when those were clearly only headaches.”
Sources close to the president say he was initially enthusiastic about the parade, since he was under the impression he’d be riding shirtless on a white horse in front of a reviewing stand made of gold and American flags, flanked by eagle handlers and Confederate reenactors who “know history better than most generals.”
That enthusiasm faded upon learning he’d have to walk.
A spokesperson defended the decision, stating: “President Trump would march if he could. These bone spurs are basically a Purple Heart situation. We’re exploring what a VA claim might look like under executive privilege.”
Veterans’ groups were split on the issue. One held a candlelight vigil for the fallen arches. Another asked whether they could get Trump’s doctor to upgrade their VA rating.
Asked if he’d attend at all, Trump said, “I’ll be there in spirit. Possibly as a hologram. Something to do with magnets. Depends on how the feet feel. Also, Joe Biden never marched. Look it up.”