Asking Eric: Why won’t my kids ever come home in the summer?
Dear Eric: Summer months are upon us and most students will soon be heading home from college for their vacations, except mine.
Every summer since starting college they have worked a summer job that required them to live on-site, a couple hours’ drive away from home. This year, because that seasonal position was eliminated, they have found a job in their college town (300 miles away) and will remain there all summer.
I’m so proud of their desire for independence, as well as their ability to tend to all their needs – cooking good food, keeping a budget, staying organized and having a healthy mix of work and play. I guess “adulting,” right?
All that being said, how do I fight this tiny nagging feeling that pops up every so often, that makes me wonder whether if they enjoyed “home” and us (their parents) more, they wouldn’t want to stay away all summer?
– Summertime Sadness
Dear Summertime: Oh my, this is a complicated feeling, isn’t it? You’re rightfully proud of your kids and their independence, but at what cost?
Reframing this might help a lot. They likely don’t see this as a choice between enjoying home with you and earning money. It’s possible that, instead, it feels like a natural progression.
Sometimes kids, especially in the college years, take for granted that home will always be there. This can hurt, but it’s also reassuring evidence that you’ve created a stable and loving environment. If home is “always there,” that frees them to explore the world, try their skills and make mistakes, knowing they have a soft place to land.
The soft place can be lonely, I understand. But being an adult child – or a child coming into adulthood – isn’t always a choice between parents and life. Sometimes it’s a move toward expansion, a bigger life.
There will be growing pains but try to congratulate yourself for raising kids who feel confident enough to “adult.” And maybe consider paying them a vacation visit.
Dear Eric: “Jane” and I have been friends since elementary school and were even college roommates for a year.
Her parents treated me as part of their family throughout our childhood, teens and adulthood. Jane’s parents were wonderful people and, as a parent myself, I have diligently worked to follow their example by welcoming and including my daughter’s friends into our home and hearts, sharing meals and laughter, and providing a safe place to land when needed.
Jane began suffering from profound mental illness as an adult and, following a divorce and losing her career as a result, she moved back in with her parents several years ago.
Both of Jane’s parents have died within the last two years, leaving her on her own to navigate living independently for the first time in her life. It’s not going well, and Jane frequently turns to me for money, transportation, health care needs and to help her get out of many messy situations she finds herself in online and in real life.
It’s overwhelming to me, and I want to distance myself, but it makes me feel guilty because I am indebted to Jane’s parents for their lifelong kindness to me. Jane’s extended family have reached their limits with her, so I’m one of the last people to even accept her calls.
I’m afraid of what will happen to Jane if I don’t help, but I also don’t know how to best help her anymore since she refuses professional mental health assistance. What should I do?
– Overwhelmed BFF
Dear Overwhelmed: Sometimes, a loving and necessary thing to do is to tell someone we care about “I will always be there for you, but I’m overwhelmed. Can we find a new way to move forward?”
Jane is dealing with a lot, and some things – many things, likely – are beyond your capacity.
The debt of gratitude you feel toward her parents won’t make the impossible possible. So, for instance, you can’t take away Jane’s grief, but you can listen to her as she processes it. Similarly, you can’t make her get mental health assistance, but you can keep pointing out to her that there is support available.
It will benefit you both for you to set internal boundaries for your relationship. This isn’t abandoning Jane. Indeed, your guilt may be prompting you to overcompensate and overextend. In turn, Jane may be relying on you to an inappropriate degree, which doesn’t help her.
Talking to Jane about what you can and can’t do, and alternatives that you’d like to help her pursue, may not be easy, but it’s a necessary step. She likely has a lot of untrue internal messages that are preventing her from accessing the kind of support that she needs. It’s helpful to have a friend speak the truth plainly and clearly.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.