I Asked An Etiquette Expert, A Strength Trainer, And A Therapist About The New Rules Of Gym Crushes
I look like a pork pie with the pastry off (pink, mottled, unappealingly glistening) when I work out, meaning the idea of a “gym crush” has always felt pointless to me. The abundance of mirrors in my local Puregym makes necessary fantasies of reciprocation impossible.
I do, though, see the appeal. Some use the nameless hottie from spin class as workout motivation; almost half of us think it’d be great to find the love of our lives in the gym, though only a paltry 6% of couples actually met by the squat rack.
I’ve always felt that tension, between the promise of the Gym Crush and the impossibility of acting on it, is key. Besides, spin class is hard enough without the prospect of passing that guy who rejected you every time you go.
Except that Gen Z don’t agree, The Guardian writes. The younger generation genuinely seems keen to find love by the barbell – so, we spoke to experts about the new rules of the Gym Crush.
1) Deeply consider whether you want to approach this person
Speaking to HuffPost UK, founder of Etiquette Expert, Jo Hayes, said: “There are few motivations more powerful to the human person than romantic attraction.”
Physiotherapist and strength coach Alex Lee agreed, saying he’d even seen a gym crush help people recover from injuries.
“Unconsciously, you train harder, remain in the gym longer, and even come in more,” he told us. “Your brain releases dopamine, a pleasure chemical that spurs motivation.”
You ought, both experts agree, to seriously consider whether it’s worth it to break that motivational spell. “Hitting the machines next to each other for the next little while could possibly be awkward – and wanting to avoid such encounters could quickly turn into demotivation,” Hayes wrote.
2) Never interrupt a set
If you do decide to approach your gym crush, never do so mid-exercise, Lee advised.
“No headphones on, no interrupting sets.”
Hayes took it further: “Do not hover, delay the person as they’re working out, or interrupt their workout routine,” she counselled.
3) Don’t take the crush too seriously
Approaching a stranger with too many expectations puts way too much pressure on you both, the experts agree.
“Just be normal,” Hayes said. A quick “hello” as you set up your bike or some “brief, light, banter as you return your pilates mat” gives your crush a low-stakes way to show, or not show, their interest.
BACP-registered psychotherapist Daren Banarsë, who owns a private practice in London, says the goal should not be to ask them out but to approach them with curiosity.
Saying “hi,” Lee agrees, is “the extent of it. If they act friendly back, perhaps you can exchange a few pleasantries another time.”
4) Learn to read a “no”
Banarsë says that “reading social cues accurately requires us to let go of our wishful thinking and tune into what’s actually being communicated.”
It’s good news if they “maintain eye contact, ask questions back, seem relaxed and engaged in the conversation,” he says, but not if you notice “polite but brief responses, looking away, putting headphones back in quickly, or giving minimal engagement.”
Our ego, he warns, wants us to see even neutral interactions as positive. ” If someone seems uncomfortable, the most respectful thing we can do is give them space.”
5) Above all else, remember to go to the gym for you first
Exercise is great for our mental and physical health – it can even make ageing easier.
If a crush happens to get you into the gym, Lee tells us, “great. Work with that energy. Do your mobility training, work your training regimen, and prioritise recovery.
“But if the crush becomes a distraction and creates stress, then it’s serving no purpose.” Nobody else, he says, should have the right to give your fitness journey purpose.
“You’re enough. Continue to show up for yourself.”