The Men of The Valley, Ranked From Bad to Worst
Watching The Valley is like visiting a sprawling botanical garden filled with every species of locally grown douchebag. Here we have a Jesse flower in full bloom, calling his ex-wife some derogatory term for a sex worker. Here we have a Jason flower, turning itself fully and completely toward the Janet sun. Here we have a thorny, overgrown Jax weed, stealing nutrients from the flowers around it and then wondering why the other plants didn’t check on it while it was in rehab. Ah, nature.
The question is, will these terrible men face no consequences, like their terrible forefathers? Or will the head wrangler of terrible men (Andy Cohen) make them atone for their crimes in the infamous reunion half-circle? Let us rank them from least to most terrible to see who is at risk of getting pruned.
Luke Broderick
If you look up “lawful neutral” in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of Luke and his cherubic, rosy cheeks. When the group sauntered over to Santa Barbara and the party van started smoking on the way to a vineyard, Luke was the only guy to go outside, pop the hood open, and say a bunch of words about engine parts. He planned a whole engagement surprise for his chaotic fiancée and only freaked out and walked around the hotel in his underwear once. And hey, if wearing a tight sailor suit is illegal, then put a cowboy hat on my head and sit me on a horse, because I’m an outlaw now.
Tom Schwartz
You know things are bad on The Valley when Tom “I dumped a beer on my girlfriend’s head” Schwartz is the voice of reason. Not only did he advise Jax not to use his son as a pawn in a game of security-camera chess with Brittany, but he also cautioned him that asking Brittany to “pump the brakes” on the whole divorce thing was a bad idea. Props to Bubba for having common sense.
Benji Quach
He’s Canadian and he makes Zack happy, so that’s good, but he didn’t notice Zack’s scrotox! Relationships are all about the little things, you know?
Kyle Chan
If an alien were to watch Bravo, it would think that Kyle Chan has an engagement-ring monopoly on the entire Los Angeles area. Kyle Chan, you seem like a successful business owner. Why are you hanging out with these people and engaging in gecko-based deception? Believe in yourself.
Jared Lipscomb
He never tried Scheana’s famous enchiladas! Yes, he was vegan, but come on, Jared Lips, I’ve been hearing about these enchiladas since a time when the only “valley” to speak of was the space between old chairs in the Sur alley.
Zack Wickham
Let’s get one thing straight: Zack did not lay a curse on Janet’s baby like some sort of Disney witch. He got plastered and yelled some random nonsense. However, problems arose when he apologized to Janet for said outburst, and that apology was, “Don’t listen to anything I say when I’m drunk.” Do these people think if they say the words, “I’m sorry,” they’re going to break out in hives or something? He redeemed himself in the latter half of the season when he absolutely owned Jax’s ass in Jesse’s kitchen and helped coordinate Luke and Kristen’s engagement. But the siren song of terribleness was too strong, and he did say that Janet was going to cut off Brittany’s skin and wear it, so we still have some work to do.
Aaron Nosler
Did Aaron and Michelle get together while she was still married to Jesse? That’s like asking, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” I don’t know, I don’t care, and it’s irrelevant. Jesse and Michelle’s relationship was such a disaster that it made the Titanic look stable. Aaron is fine. It’s weird that his backyard is turf, but I guess it’s nice that he makes honey.
Danny Booko
Let’s get this out of the way: Danny groped Melissa and Jasmine. After some nudging, he apologized in a way that was sufficient for Jasmine and Melissa, and since their opinion on this situation is the end-all be-all, I’m following their lead and letting this go. “Okay, but what about Chug-gate?” Look. Do I think that he went into the pantry and chugged tequila like a sloppy frat boy? Yes. Do I think it was as sinister as Janet claims? No. Janet has proven herself to be such an unreliable narrator that it would be like reading 1984 from the perspective of Big Brother. The only things we’ve seen “Dark Side Danny” do this season are take a nap and call Janet a snake. Okay, I do that when I’m sober. Could he have a healthier relationship with alcohol? Absolutely. No one should have to get (allegedly) kicked out of a bar. But is it enough to drag out over an entire season? I don’t think so. Call me when he rips off his sweater and starts fighting someone in the middle of a parking lot.
Jason Caperna
I don’t think Jason has bad intentions, but he does have a severe case of Scared of Wife Syndrome. He didn’t even care about the ring rumor until Janet decided it was a big deal, and then suddenly it’s “Kristen Doute is trying to single-handedly destroy my marriage.” Jason also hasn’t been a great friend to the other guys. He accused Danny of being an alcoholic, then gave him a tearful apology about doing so, and then accused him of being an alcoholic again. Girl, so confusing! Anyone who does reality TV either has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol or is sober because of aforementioned unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Scolding your Valley co-star for being a sloppy drunk is like scolding your Gilded Age co-star for wearing wigs with weird little bangs. Like, what exactly do you think we got hired to do? You’re on Bravo for God’s sake! If he were actually worried about Danny’s drinking, the best path forward would be empathy and support. You know, like he’s doing with Jax, someone who has never had an issue with alcohol.
Jesse’s Life Coach Scott
Hoo boy. Scott accused Michelle of having some master plan for people to forget about her alleged infidelities by poking at Jesse, thus tricking him into being mean to her to gain sympathy. Let me be clear: What’s making Jesse look like an asshole is not Michelle going all Pepe Silvia on him, it’s that Jesse is being an asshole. I think any life coach/therapist whose advice boils down to, “Nothing is your fault, it’s your bitch ex-wife,” is not legitimate, and likely got their license from the David Mamet School of Gender Dynamics. That, combined with his “male-only bonding session for men,” makes me think he’s one podcast appearance away from being a cult leader.
Jesse Lally
You can’t call your wife a “lying, cheating whore” and not expect to be pretty far down on this list. Jesse spends the entire season trying to get Michelle to say, “I cheated, you were a perfect husband, and I’m an evil gremlin,” and expects everyone will crowd around and absolve him of all past and future sins. That’s never going to happen, not only because we’ve seen him be a shitty husband to Michelle, but also because he can’t take accountability for his actions. He never apologized to Michelle for calling her a hooker to her face (really, Jesse? Shaming sex workers post-Anora?), or for threatening to move his daughter to Orange County to be closer to a girl who is, according to Scheana, hooking up with “the guy from Baywatch.” In the finale, we do see him try to claw his way out of the pit of terribleness, but that’s gonna be a long climb.
Jax Taylor
Yeah, you knew it would be Jax. He threw a coffee table at Brittany, he berated her, he rage-texted her, he listened to her on secret recording devices, he crucified her for sleeping with Julian, he stopped paying the mortgage, he rented a condo with the money he saved from not paying the mortgage, and worst of all, he wore a giant gold chain. This man has such brazen disregard for the truth that he’s practically a Sacha Baron Cohen character. He told Brittany in the finale he’s going to wait until the last minute to sign the divorce papers “just because.” Just because! Are there two more evil words in the English language? We know he won’t return for next season, but I have a feeling that his spirit will remain, hovering over the members of The Valley, whispering, “Show me a man who wouldn’t react the same way.”
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