Asking Eric: My brother refused to leave his house. Now he’s gone without telling us.
Dear Eric: I have an older brother, “Mike,” whom my other three siblings and I are extremely worried about.
He lives alone. He struggles with severe depression and anxieties. He voluntarily put himself in a nursing home for assistance, after several falls and having to call 911 for assistance to get off the floor.
He was very successful at losing enough weight for his first knee replacement. He completed the required PT and went home. Unfortunately, he didn’t continue to exercise at home — never stopped using a walker, gained all the weight back, then went to a different nursing home for assistance.
He had another knee replacement and now he won’t leave the house, hasn’t been to a family function for two years. He has missed three of his nephews’ weddings.
He doesn’t participate in the sibling group texts and acts like he is angry at us. We bring the holiday to his house or just hang out; he just sits in his recliner, barely talking.
I am his younger sister, whom he bullied, bossed and tortured growing up, and he continues to do. I also believe he has an addiction to the pain pills he’s on.
Now, we discovered that he has gone back to a nursing home and didn’t let us know. He told the director that we weren’t to be notified.
Right now, we are continuing like we don’t know what is going on. Should we continue as we are? Or confront him? Honestly, we are so over the situation.
– Frustrated Sister
Dear Sister: Mike’s mental health struggles, and potentially his substance abuse, have contributed to a narrative that’s isolating him. He may be telling himself that no one knows how to help him, or no one cares, and it can be hard to combat that.
It’s good for him and for you that he’s in a nursing home, because there are more eyes on him and more opportunities for help. Because of Mike’s narrative, the family may not be the best resource for him right now.
However, since you know where he is and it sounds like you’ve been in contact with the nursing home’s director, you can reach out to that person with your concerns about Mike’s depression and use of pain medication. Ask if they have resources for families. Ask if they can connect you with a social worker.
I’m presuming that you don’t have medical power of attorney, so they’ll be limited in what they can say to you, if anything at all. So, think of this as alerting them and asking them to take the next step.
With regard to contacting Mike, as painful as it is, he’s defined the relationship that he wants, or has capacity for, right now. Know that he’s being taken care of and, for now, respect that he’s made the decision to keep his whereabouts private.
Dear Eric: My husband passed away 12 days ago after an extended illness. I have two stepkids.
Two days after my husband died, one of the kids started asking for some of my husband’s belongings, then unveiled his plan to “help me build a house” on some vacant land I own to “fulfill my husband’s dream.”
I was taken aback. I told him I was spent from taking care of my husband and am not making any decisions.
I’ve repeatedly told him since then that I’m not making any decisions for at least a year. He badmouths my deceased husband and is now giving me the silent treatment. I have told my other stepson and am not sure what they may have discussed.
My patience is running out and I’m about to tell him off. How do I better handle this?
– Out of Patience
Dear Patience: I’m sorry about the loss of your husband. With regard to your stepson, stick to your guns. You’ve been clear about what you need and what your plan is, and your stepson’s refusal to accept that is either short-sighted or malicious.
The best path forward may be to let him keep giving you the silent treatment because it, at least, keeps him out of your pocket. Engaging with him about this is only going to keep frustrating you at a time when you should have the space and support to grieve and to regroup.
He doesn’t get to make plans for you, and if he tries to insert himself, tell him you’re not discussing it and leave the space if you have to.
At a certain point, soon, you’ll also want to have a conversation with your accountant and/or lawyer, to make sure things are as they should be. The fact that your stepson has designs on the land that you own is a red flag, so you’ll want to make sure you’re protected.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.