Harriette Cole: My girlfriend is pushing my boundaries with her latest request
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m in a tricky spot with my girlfriend, and I’m not sure how to handle it without causing friction.
We live together and generally have a great relationship, but she recently asked me to cosign on a new car with her. The request made me uncomfortable.
I care about her deeply, but taking on someone else’s debt — even someone I love — feels like a huge risk. I’ve worked hard to protect my own credit, and the idea of being on the hook for a car that isn’t mine stresses me out.
When I tried to express my hesitation, she acted hurt and suggested it meant I didn’t trust her.
That’s not true at all. I’m more than willing to help her build her credit in other ways, but I don’t want to feel pressured or guilted into taking on a financial responsibility that doesn’t feel right for me.
How do I set this boundary without damaging our relationship?
— Cosign for Love
DEAR COSIGN FOR LOVE: Maybe now is the time to talk about relationships and finances.
Talk about the future and what you each want for your life. Share your credit reports and review how you spend money. What are your savings and investments today, and what are your plans for the years to come? Get into a serious conversation about money.
In that context, discuss cosigning and why that is a huge step for you that you do not take lightly. Come to a consensus together.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m confused and honestly a little heartbroken.
My sister and I grew up incredibly close — practically joined at the hip. We talked every day and leaned on each other for everything, and I always felt like no matter what changed around us, we would stay the same.
Ever since I moved away for a new job a few months ago, it feels like our connection has evaporated. I’m the one constantly reaching out, and she’ll respond days later with short replies or not at all. When I visited home recently, she seemed warm enough in person, but once I left, the distance snapped right back.
I can’t tell if she’s upset with me, overwhelmed with her own life or if the move made her rethink our closeness. It hurts to feel shut out without understanding why.
I don’t want to pressure her, but I also don’t want to ignore what feels like a growing rift. How do I address this without pushing her even further away?
— Missing My Sister
DEAR MISSING MY SISTER: Since you are the one who moved, chances are, your sister feels abandoned by you.
In her mind, it could be that she sees your act of independence as leaving her behind. This may not be a conscious thought on her part, but when a family member leaves home, those left behind can feel loneliness and grief.
Don’t let any more time pass before you speak to your sister about this. Reach out and tell her how much you miss her and your closeness. Express your concern that you feel emotional distance between you and that you want to be in closer communication.
Ask her if anything is bothering her. Find out if she is angry with you or hurt.
Assure her that you love her just as much as before, even though you don’t live together anymore. Invite her to resume your close connection.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.