Help! My Child Had A Meltdown Over A Relative's Christmas Gift

There’s nothing quite like watching your child unwrap the Christmas present a relative has given them, only for their face to crumple as they realise they either already have it, didn’t want it, or they really wanted what their sibling had instead.

Cue a meltdown in 3... 2... 1... 

I’ve been the relative. I’ve also been the parent. It can be pretty awkward for all involved.

The thing is though: sometimes we get presents that aren’t really our cup of tea. But as adults, we’re just better at hiding our disappointment. 

It’s ‘normal’ for kids to have an emotional reaction to presents

Therapists told HuffPost UK it’s totally normal for children – especially young kids – to have an emotional reaction to their presents. 

Counselling Directory member Lianne Terry said: “It’s super common and very normal” and noted that small children in particular “can have strong expectations and limited flexibility”. On top of that, “the holidays are overwhelming and over-stimulating which lowers the ability to cope”.

If they don’t like the gift, or are annoyed because they wanted what a sibling had, therapist and Counselling Directory member Sarah Lee noted “they might not be able to hide this reaction very well”.

“It isn’t fair to expect children to manage this perfectly and they may need help to do this,” she added. 

How to react when your child expresses gift disappointment

First of all, don’t panic. “Accept that this is a normal response for children to have, it doesn’t mean they’re selfish or don’t care about others,” said Lee.

Her advice is to try and stay calm yourself, so you can then help your child to stay calm. 

Lianne Terry recommends trying to remove your child from the situation, if possible. You could say something like: “I’m seeing that you’re upset, shall we take a minute?”

The goal isn’t to shame them, noted the counsellor, but rather to help them feel calmer and understood.

Once you’ve taken them away from the hustle and bustle, it might be helpful to validate how they’re feeling by repeating back what you’re hearing. For instance: “You’re disappointed because you wanted XX and not XX, you wish you got that one instead.”

Terry continued: “Really young children don’t have the emotional skills to mask disappointment, and that’s OK. Their reaction isn’t rude, it’s completely normal. Allow them a quick reset, a sensory break and then rejoin the group.”

During this brief reset it might help to remind your child that it’s “ok to be upset or disappointed or angry, but it’s not ok to be mean to the person who gave you the present”, noted Lee.

“So ‘I don’t like my toy’, whilst embarrassing for you, is probably the truth. ‘I don’t like Uncle Jamie because he gives stupid presents’ is not OK,” she added. 

Terry suggested that once the child has calmed down a bit, guide them to offer a quick “thank you” to the gift giver. 

“Most adults will understand that kids can’t manage their reactions in the way that adults do,” she added.

If your relative reacts badly to your child’s reaction

Unfortunately some people might have a negative reaction to a child’s tantrum over gifts. In this instance, Terry noted: “I think it’s really important to not shame the child, and especially if they’re very young, protecting them from the gift giver’s upset.

“It isn’t their fault, after all, that they can’t manage their reactions. It is, however, the adult’s responsibility to manage theirs.”

How to avoid future gift-related meltdowns

Both therapists shared tips for preventing future disappointment. These include: 

• Ask people who want to buy presents for your children if they want suggestions of what to buy. “I’m not a fan of the idea that presents should always be a surprise,” said Lee. “If people want to buy surprise presents, there’s a risk that the present might not be well received.”
• Try and plan timing for presents. “Think about your child’s routine, if they’ve eaten or slept well. The more stress your child is under, the less likely that they can manage their emotions well,” added the therapist.
• Practice gratitude all year round. “Personally, I practice gratitude with my kids throughout the year to ensure that they learn about being grateful for the small things as well as the bigger things,” said Terry. “In terms of in the weeks leading up to the family gathering, I’ll set expectations with my kids, reminding them that gifts come in all shapes and sizes – some may be exciting, or some might be less exciting and either way is ok.”
• Provide examples of how to respond, even if the gift isn’t what they’d hoped for. They could say something like: “Thank you so much for thinking of me” or “thank you for the gift”. If they’re a bit younger, you could even role play this with them.
• “I would also talk to my kids about how they might feel ahead of time, so letting them know that even if they receive a gift they don’t like, it’s still kind to say thank you, and it’s still really nice that the person thought of them,” added Terry.
• Protecting nap time, bringing snacks, and allowing downtime or quiet breaks during family gatherings is also key to keeping meltdowns at bay. “Also, let your kids know that you are a safe space, so if they do feel overwhelmed, they can come and have some quiet time with you,” said the therapist. “Knowing they have an escape can often help when things feel overwhelming.”