Pentagon strikes 'narco-terrorist' sleigh, reindeer off Venezuela coast
WASHINGTON — A U.S. drone-launched missile strike has eliminated a notorious flying "narco-terrorist" responsible for millions of annual home invasions dating back to the nineteenth century, sources confirmed today.
Navy pilots assigned to Joint Task Force Hammer — and Everything Looks Like a Nail (JTFH-ELLN) positively identified the “narco kingpin” as he flew an unregistered aerial sleigh powered by eight reindeer, repeatedly violating Venezuelan airspace on the night of December 24 to 25, according to Tyler Dobey, spokesman for the Department of War on Anything the President Wants. The kingpin, aided by assistants described as “tiny, almost elfin,” was accused of forcing deadly narcotics disguised as wrapped packages into residences while occupants remained asleep.
“After identifying the terrorist activity with the same rock-solid intelligence process we used to nail WMDs in Iraq, we blew that narco sled to smithereens with an airburst GBU-69,” said Dobey, who recently began shaving, noting that the munition is commonly used in counter-narcotics strikes and is designed to destroy vehicles or structures. “Turns out it works just as well on sleighs.”
Dobey placed responsibility for the strike squarely on the sleigh’s operator for violating Venezuelan airspace that the administration closed in November.
“The sleigh had no identification transponder, was actively avoiding detection, and was in the process of landing on a rooftop when we hit it,” Dobey said. “Classic holiday terrorism indicators. So Merry Christmas, and you’re welcome to all the families we saved with this bold, legally flawless and morally uncomplicated strike.”
While boarding Air Force One for his annual trip to Mount Crumpit, President Donald Trump praised the operation.
“We did the striking boom bomb thing on a red-suited terrorist, very suspicious guy, clearly a communist,” Trump said. “Some people are calling me by the beautiful name ‘Sleigh Slayer.’ Biden never stopped the guy. Biggest sleigh in the world, total boom. Now my guy Pete Hegseth can mount the antlers of eight tiny reindeer on his wall. Did you know he’s been sober for ten whole minutes? Tremendous.”
Reached for comment outside the Pentagon Fitness Center after his third workout of the day, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said he watched the strike by video feed before departing for one of the many Pentagon meetings that occur exclusively at night.
“I’m proud of the drone pilot who shot down eight reindeer in flight,” Hegseth said. “That pilot — and I’m sure it was a guy — embodies the Warrior Ethos and is America’s first confirmed reindeer ace.”
Defense officials acknowledged the possibility that the JTFH-ELLN commander ordered a second “double-tap” strike after video footage showed two green-suited assistants surviving the initial blast, clinging to the rails of the capsized sleigh.
“The history of these terrorists shows they would not have stopped until every package was delivered,” said one official speaking on condition of anonymity. “With those green suits and jingle bells on their caps, they could have blended into the jungle or easily signaled for help.”
Administration officials confirmed they are now closely monitoring the hamlet of Who-Ville in northern Venezuela, where an entire village is believed to participate in narcotics distribution disguised as gift-giving rituals described in intelligence reports as “a psychedelic orgy of giddiness that is definitely drug-fueled.”