Harriette Cole: I’m really not high-maintenance but this first date was unacceptable
DEAR HARRIETTE: A man asked me on a first date to a dive bar. I said no because I already felt like he was trying to see how little effort he could put into planning where we would go.
I’m not saying he needed to spend a ton of money on me — especially for a first date — but his idea just felt flat-out lazy.
In the past, I’ve been in relationships where my boyfriend would see how little effort he could put into me and see if he could get away with it.
Saying no felt like an act of self-respect, but it also left me second-guessing myself. I don’t want to come across as high-maintenance or unfair, but I also don’t want to settle for less than I deserve.
How do I balance being open-minded with setting standards for effort and intention early on, and how can I communicate what I want without scaring someone off or feeling like I’m asking for too much?
— The Art of Dating
DEAR THE ART OF DATING: The first date I went on with my husband was to grab takeout and go to a park. It was not expensive, but it was a lot of fun. Sometimes the cost of an experience is not a good barometer for its value.
That said, a dive bar may not be an optimal way to begin to get to know someone.
You trusted your gut, but how can you switch things up a bit? Challenge the next suitor to do something different. If he won’t make an effort, move on.
How people show up in the beginning is a sign of their willingness to exert energy and effort on you.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who works in investment banking, and her hours range from 70 to 90 hours per week. Whenever we make plans, she often has to push back two or three times, and it’s frustrating.
There isn’t much I can do because it’s out of her control, but I’m upset that I have to wait around until she’s out of work.
I enjoy spending time with her. She’s a positive and sweet individual, so the solution doesn’t seem to be cutting her off, but I am starting to feel like our friendship exists entirely on her schedule, and that leaves me feeling frustrated.
I try to be understanding of how demanding her job is, but it is hard to constantly rearrange my own plans or sit in limbo, not knowing if we will actually see each other. I don’t want to resent her for a career she worked hard for, yet I also don’t want to quietly build frustration that could damage our friendship.
How can I set boundaries and communicate how I feel without sounding selfish, and is there a healthy way to maintain a close friendship when one person’s life is so completely dominated by work?
— No Time for Me
DEAR NO TIME FOR ME: Usually finance jobs don’t last forever at that pace. While your friend’s schedule is consumed by work, choose to see her less. Agree to once a quarter, possibly, on the weekend or at a time that’s most likely to work. Stay in touch via text, but don’t agree to too many hangouts.
Make sure she understands why you are limiting your time together. You love her, but you need to have control over your life as well.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.