5 reasons this war for oil will be better than the last war for oil, and the one before that
Why can’t people just have fun with war? A bunch of wimpy asses are already whining that the U.S. is entering a “war for oil” in Venezuela that will end badly, just like Operations Desert Storm and Iraqi Freedom, which were total fun, by the way.
The snivelers can suck it, though, because the Trump administration used GenAI.mil and Grok to get lessons from all our oil-based conflicts, going back to the Banana Wars of the 1920s, ensuring this latest incursion won’t devolve into another avoidable, trillion-dollar shitshow for the history books.
This time — unlike all the other times — we’re really getting it right because:
1. We’re great at occupying cities
In previous oil wars, the U.S. had to relearn how to control populations from scratch. Now we’ve had nearly a year of hands-on domestic rehearsal. Federal authorities have been patrolling American cities that may or may not have presented threats, providing every badge-flashing agency from the FBI to the Fish & Wildlife Service with valuable experience in dominating streets and “winning hearts and minds,” just like Los Angeles and Portland.
We now know how to spot criminals based on appearance, tackle protesters of all ages, and pepper spray people for dancing in frog costumes. If troops are needed in Caracas, the National Guard has become exceptionally proficient at street patrols, curfews, and spontaneous urban landscaping.
2. We’re unburdened by annoying international support
What did coalitions and international backing ever get us? Only legitimacy, burden-sharing, and force-multiplying capabilities. So this time we’re skipping that woke elitist bullshit entirely.
As President Donald Trump explained, Secretary of State Marco Rubio will personally run Venezuela, backed by a State Department streamlined after DOGE eliminated 3,000 experts and the entirety of USAID. Rubio speaks Spanish, and that’s all we really need.
We are now a lean, mean, intervention machine.
3. Mas cervezas por favor!
That damn General Order No. 1 banning alcohol sucked every ounce of fun out of earlier wars. Real warriors know that a few mojitos dramatically increase lethality, or at least confidence.
Administration officials are betting Secretary of Needless War Pete “Happy Hour” Hegseth will rescind the booze ban, finally unleashing the judgment, tactical driving skills, and weapons expertise that only come from a bucket of iced-down Modelo Especials.