8 Ways to Become a Nicer Person

Kids are taught that being nice means using magic words like “please” and “thank you,” sharing with friends, and taking turns without complaint. Then they grow up and enter a world where it’s normal to mock others online, scowl at their fellow shoppers at the grocery store, and ghost potential romantic partners. Does anyone really even know what being nice means anymore?

There’s no single definition in our modern times, but experts generally agree on a few characteristics. “I think of being nice as assuming that any other person you come into contact with has good intent and wants the same joy and fulfillment in life that you want, and wants to not suffer or experience pain or adversity—just like you don’t want to experience those things,” says Emiliana Simon-Thomas, science director at the University of California at Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. “There’s always an opportunity to do or say something that is uplifting, either as a role model or as an invitation.”

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Being nice is associated with all kinds of benefits. Humans are wired to enjoy the “warm glow” of feeling like we’ve improved someone else’s well-being, Simon-Thomas says—doing so triggers the brain pathways that signal pleasure. Plus, “having more social interactions that are safe and benevolent is a way to feel like you belong,” she says. “If we can walk around our communities and have friendly interactions, we feel like we belong in that community, as opposed to walking around and feeling sharp or edgy or grumpy—in which case we’re more vigilant and guarded.”

With that in mind, we asked experts to share their favorite science-backed ways to be a nicer person.

Identify something you have in common

One of the best ways to rude-proof yourself is to deliberately look for something familiar or similar in every person you encounter. “Maybe it’s something about the clothes they’re wearing; maybe it’s their stance or gestures or the sound of their voice,” Simon-Thomas says. She challenges you to ask yourself: “Is there a way to think, ‘That’s something that happens for me, too,’ or ‘I can relate,’ or ‘I admire that’?”

Read More: 6 Compliments That Land Every Time

The answer is probably yes. “My hypothesis is that you could look at any person at any moment and find some shared humanity or similarity,” she says. “When we see that, we feel more empathetic, more affiliative, and just inclined to assume that good intention.” All of a sudden, it’s not so hard to be nice—even to people who seem like they inhabit a totally different world.

Give back

Prosocial behavior, or doing kind acts that benefit others, helps everyone involved feel good. Volunteering time or donating money are research-backed strategies, but there are lots of ways to give back, says Lara Aknin, a distinguished professor of social psychology at Simon Fraser University in Burnaby, British Columbia, who runs the university’s helping and happiness lab. “People donate blood, people donate organs, people give advice to other people, we cook for other people,” she says. “All of those are really fascinating, meaningful, frequent, and consequential ways that we help.”

Show that you’re listening

One of the easiest ways to be nice to someone is to make it clear you’re paying attention to what they say. “We have to actually put in effort to listen,” says Amanda Cooper, an assistant professor in the department of communication at the University of Connecticut. “That means really giving someone the cognitive space to listen to what they’re saying.”

You can do that through body language like making eye contact, she adds, which indicates that you’re engaged and prioritizing the interaction. There are other physical ways to convey your interest, too: When people are involved in deep conversations, they tend to lean toward each other. 

Read More: How to Read Facial Expressions, and Why We Get Them Wrong

Make sure you’re not multitasking; even if you think you can respond to an email while listening to your best friend describe her day, she might not agree. Cooper asks her students to consider what message they’re really sending when they look at their phone while talking. “We’re constantly sending messages, whether we’re trying to or not,” she says. “As soon as you have your phone in your hand and you’re looking at it, you’re sending the message that you’re not really available for what they’re trying to say.”

Ask good questions. Then, follow-up

Make it a point to ask people open, honest questions that you don’t already know the answer to. Doing so is “super important for helping someone feel acknowledged and recognized, and creating that sense of connection,” Cooper says. While it’s natural to respond with your own story or a tidbit that connects to what the other person shared, refrain from doing so every time they speak. 

Instead, Cooper suggests following up like this: “Tell me more about that,” or finding some other way to invite them to share more about themselves. “You can still share your own stories, because we know mutual self-disclosure is important,” she says. “But it’s an easy way to show someone, ‘Hey, I see you, and I think what you’re talking about is valuable, worthwhile, and interesting.’”

Smile—and mean it

Smiling at someone is a “very simple, core way to be nice,” Simon-Thomas says, but there’s an important caveat: It has to be genuine. Fake smiles don’t cut it. Humans tend to synchronize with each other, which means that when someone smiles at you, you’ll be inclined to smile back. 

“When you do share a smile with a stranger, there’s automatically a sense of social contentment, like, ‘I can trust that person. We’re in this together,’” she says. “‘I don’t know what they’re smiling about, and they don’t know what I’m smiling about, but we’re OK.’”

Be light during frustrating moments

Another way to be nice is to reframe frustrating moments as an opportunity to introduce levity. Maybe you’re waiting in a long checkout line that’s moving at a snail’s pace, for example, and you can tell tensions are rising. Turn around and make a lighthearted comment to the person behind you, maybe joking about the wait time, Simon-Thomas suggests. There are lots of benefits associated with tapping into loose-tie connections, or people you don’t know and may never talk to again. “In that moment, we have an opportunity to connect and find some shared amusement or levity or purpose,” she says.

Use people’s names

Remembering and using someone’s name is an easy but powerful way to signal warmth and goodwill. “The human brain is calibrated to grab on when people say your name—we love it,” Cooper says. 

Read More: What to Say When You Forget Someone’s Name

She still recalls traveling to an academic conference when she was in grad school and meeting an important scholar. A year later, when she returned, he said, “Hey, Amanda, how are you?” “I was so blown away that he knew my name, and I will always think of him as the kindest person I’ve ever met,” she says. “When we call someone by name, we cue to them, ‘Hey, I know who you are—I see you.’” 

Learn your neighbors’ names, your colleagues’ names, and even the names of their kids or dogs, she urges: “That can go a really long way.”

Make space for people who are different from you

You don’t have to cut off or distance yourself from people with different political or other views. You can choose to build bridges instead. It’s not always easy, which is why Simon-Thomas describes doing so as “the most advanced level of strengthening your niceness muscle.”

Step one is figuring out how to have a pleasant conversation about things you have in common and can connect about, like shared interests or laughing at the same kind of jokes. “It’s not a way to avoid or deny the disagreement,” she says. Rather, it helps “soften and lay a foundation for the possibility of having a constructive exchange about things you truly disagree about.”

It’s OK to agree to disagree, she adds—you don’t necessarily have to hold the same beliefs in order to enjoy spending time together. “I wouldn’t force anyone into a room with anyone else,” Simon-Thomas says. “But I do think there are opportunities for people to take a deep breath, put their hand over their heart, honor their beliefs and truth and needs—and in the same breath, weave in some grace and openheartedness toward people whose beliefs might be different.”