Dear Abby: They refuse to recognize me as the baby’s grandmother
DEAR ABBY: My son married a lovely woman, “Noelle,” two years ago. They live a couple of hours away and have a 1-year-old son, my third grandchild.
Noelle’s parents live 10 miles from my home. She and the baby go there nearly every weekend but never come by mine. I haven’t seen them since the baby’s birthday five months ago.
My daughter lives down the street from Noelle’s parents. She wasn’t invited to the baby’s first birthday even though she’s the mother of his cousins, so I took her children with me.
We are not horrible people. There has never been any ugliness between any of us. I’m very hurt because they don’t recognize me as a grandmother or any of us as part of the family. My son’s father has never been allowed to meet the baby, and I don’t think he’s even met Noelle.
I have asked my son and daughter-in-law to bring the baby, leave him for the day or even overnight so we can spend some time and get to know him, but it never happens.
What can I say to make them understand how much they are hurting the family and the baby by avoiding us? I don’t want to make it worse.
— DISAPPOINTED GRANDMA IN TEXAS
DEAR GRANDMA: This is a subject you should discuss with your son, who appears to be clueless or entirely ineffectual.
Does he recognize what has been happening — that his parents have been pushed entirely out of the picture? If the answer to that question is yes, perhaps he can shed some light on why. If the answer is no, tell him how this has made you feel. If you do, perhaps he will assert himself. Better late than never.
DEAR ABBY: One year ago, my heart was torn out of my chest when my wife died after a five-year battle with stage-4 breast cancer. It was the beginning of the end of my world. I’m alone now.
We have two cats I still take care of and all the daily chores of a normal household.
I have tried looking at dating sites, and I see a couple of women I might be interested to know.
Here’s where I need a female stranger’s perspective: I still hurt inside, and I know I will for some time. I also feel that if I have someone to talk to, it’ll be the personal therapy I need to help get me back on track. However, I also feel that if I start dating, it will be like I’m cheating on my wife, and the hurt comes back.
What am I supposed to do?
— CONFLICTED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CONFLICTED: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your wife. If you feel you need a woman’s perspective, find a female licensed psychotherapist to help you get back on track. If you do this, you are less likely to dump your guilt and grief on someone who might take advantage of it or be driven away by it.
If you can’t afford a therapist, joining a grief support group may help you expiate any guilt you feel about going on with your life.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.