Ask A Sexologist: Why Don't I Feel In The Mood For Sex Until My Partner Initiates?
Not all lust is the same, licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, told HuffPost UK.
Sure, there’s the better-known spontaneous desire ― a sudden, proactive urge that can cause the spark that initiates sex.
But Roos said that though “many people have gotten the idea of the lust being something that ‘just should pop up’... this is rarely the reality”.
Instead, she explained, a lot of us experience “reactive desire”.
What is reactive desire?
For those with “reactive desire,” lust only, or mostly, kicks in in response to another’s expression of attraction.
That can be “someone taking the initiative to [create] closeness, physical touch and a flirty atmosphere,” she said.
Desire can kick in once those with “reactive desire” feel sexually wanted she explained.
There is nothing wrong with feeling this way, Roos added; it’s “common”.
How can I tell if I have “reactive desire”?
Roos gave three signs:
- “Rarely spontaneously feeling that ‘I want to have sex right now’” urge,
- Feeling desire ramp up “when your partner initiates kisses and physical touch,”
- Worrying or feeling confused about your approach to sex, as while “you rarely [feel like initiating] getting intimate, still when you have sex, it’s pleasurable and feels good”.
How can “responsive desire” affect your sex life?
On the plus side, “responsive desire tends to make the sex more focused on the foreplay, the emotional connection and pleasure, not performance,” Roos said.
This is especially true if you’re both aware of your lust types.
But if you don’t communicate about your desires, the sexologist added, “A partner can also misread your lack of initiative as you not being interested or attracted anymore, or that you’re rejecting them”.
Additionally, “you can start doubting yourself and wonder if you actually want sex anymore, which can lead to pressure and stress that becomes a downward spiral”.
Your partner might have a responsive desire type too, in which case, “your sex life is at risk of slowing down”.
How can I have a better sex life with “responsive desire”?
Communication, as ever, is key.
“Explain that you not taking initiative isn’t is because you’re not interested in and attracted to your partner, and to set words on how your lust works, for example, by saying ‘I often get in the mood first when we already have started to get intimate, which makes it difficult for me to be the one who initiates intimacy,’” Roos told us.
Mention what gets you going, whether it’s your partner expressly communicating that they want to have sex with you or engaging in physical touch.
“Don’t forget to [affirm] your partner and show appreciation when they are taking the initiative... that will increase the chance of them keeping doing so!”
What if neither my partner nor I initiate sex, but love when we have it?
It’s “way more common than people might think” for both partners to have a responsive desire type, said Roos.
In fact, it’s sometimes “the reason behind a dead bedroom despite both of you actually being interested in sex.
“I recommend starting with relieving the initiative by deciding that it mustn’t mean ‘I want sex now,’ but instead is a way of saying, ‘I want to open up for intimacy.’”
Deciding to create low-pressure intimacy plans ahead of time or having romantic rituals that naturally build lust can help, too, she added.
“Get a table at a restaurant and go for a romantic dinner, decide on having a massage session at home this weekend, have a routine of showering together one day a week or go to sleep at the same time, and do so naked,” she suggested.
Lastly, she ended, “be curious instead of judging yourselves or each other. See the lust as something that can grow, develop and change with time.
“When two people with responsive desires work together as a team to find the ways that work for you, you can create a safe, playful, passionate and living sex life together!”