Why 'Write A List' Is An Insulting Response To Housework Inequality

91% of women with children spend at least one hour a day on housework, compared with 30% of men with kids, the European Institute for Gender Equality shared in 2021.

According to the same data, working women spend 2.3 hours a day on housework, whereas working men spend 1.6 hours on it daily. 

These are, of course, only averages; some men will do as much as women, and some more. Additionally, not all domestic labour imbalances will fall along gendered lines (though in most mixed-gender relationships, it’s likely to). 

But no matter what, or who, the cause of chore inequality, chances are anyone who brings up being on the more labour-intensive side of it will have heard “write them/me a list!” at least once. 

I have grown to despise that advice in relationships where one person is already doing the bulk of the domestic work. Here, we spoke to relationship therapist and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, about why I might not be alone. 

“Write a list” profoundly misunderstands the nature of domestic inequality

Roos said that, while she understands that the idea aims to “create a fairer share of the home labour, I think this advice in reality fails to address the core problem”. 

It creates more work for someone who, by nature of being given the task, likely already does the lion’s share of domestic labour, she said. 

“When one of the partners is expected to write a list and manage things, they also get all of the responsibility for the situation in their lap as they then must see what needs to be done, to prioritise and organise, and plan and follow through... [which is a] big workload.

“This tip also tends to add to the myth that (usually) women should just ‘know how to run a home and a relationship’, as if it were a skill you’re born with rather than something you learn and build up together with your partner,” she added. 

Plus, Roos said, it adds to the feeling that one partner is “helping” another, implying that household work is inherently one partner’s domain.

And a single list assumes that housework is static, that noticing, judging, pre-empting, remembering, and reacting to changes and unexpected shifts in your household’s needs isn’t a huge part of the mental load. 

“That said,” Roos told me, “I think it’s [a] pretty stupid piece of advice that in reality tends to make things worse rather than solving anything between you”.

What should couples do instead? 

OK, so Roos agrees that the dreaded list should be off the table. But given that domestic labour inequality is so pronounced, and that at least some of the parties involved probably want to improve that, what should we do instead?

“I think the focus should be shifted... to share[d] responsibility,” the therapist told us. 

Instead of assigning a “project manager” role to one partner, she added, “Ask yourselves what’s your shared responsibility, where the two of you can take more initiative and where you can lead, and communicate around what tasks you feel more keen on doing and try to split it between you in a fair way”. 

It’s important to find a way to follow up on that, too, she continued, “for example, by sitting down and having a check-in every second week where both of you take a shared responsibility of communicating how it goes, what you can do better or change and what you should keep on doing the same.” 

The partner who has historically done less in the home needs to understand why this is important, however, she added. 

“To make them understand that, you might need to sit down and have a talk where you honestly explain how it feels to you when they say [things like], ‘Just tell me what to do and I do it’... you’re not their parent, and this dynamic easily makes it feel that way, which isn’t sustainable in the long run.

“And lastly, don’t forget that this is something you’ll need to tweak and adjust with time as life changes... household labour needs to stay up to date with your situation,” she ended.

“Finding the balance is therefore nothing you do through one set solution, but by having an ongoing process around the labour work at home!”