Now that I'm a mom, I wish I hadn't banned friends' kids from our wedding. It would have made the day more special.
Courtesy of Rachel Miranda Photography
- My then fiancé and I decided not to invite kids who weren't relatives to our wedding.
- We feared they might misbehave and become a distraction.
- Now that I'm a mom, I realize it was wrong. It would have been nicer to host them and their parents.
Meeting a pair of English friends for a meal during our vacation in my native UK this past summer, it struck me how easily the conversation flowed.
Even though we live in America and see the couple around once a year, we pick off where we left off and have a great time.
They once made an eight-hour round-trip in one day for lunch with us near the cottage we had rented.
We've known them since long before my husband and me got married. Yet, we subtly uninvited them to our wedding in New York City. Why? We'd heard they wanted to bring their young sons along. And we said "no."
Kids who were blood relatives were invited
My then fiancé and I decided that the only children who could attend were blood relatives. At the time, we assumed that other people's offspring would be a distraction, especially if they misbehaved.
We also wanted to keep the costs down.
Our strict policy applied to a former colleague in England with three school-age kids. "I can't imagine going to another country — let alone another continent — without them," he responded.
I was somewhat offended. If he couldn't make it, perhaps we weren't as close as I'd thought.
The big day came. Two of my husband's nieces were bridesmaids, and another was the flower girl. The boys were ring bearers and ushers.
Courtesy of Rachel Miranda Photography
It was a special event. The children made everyone laugh with their moves on the dance floor. My nephew did the moonwalk and the electric slide.
Their presence added to the occasion. "How much did they charge for the entertainment?" a witty friend joked.
A couple of years later, by then a first-time mom, I was invited to the wedding of a very good friend. Like us, the couple hadn't invited kids, except for the groom's two nieces.
I was still nursing, but there was no way I was going to miss the celebration. My sister watched my daughter at her home, a 45-mile drive from the venue.
The wedding was gorgeous, but I couldn't help worrying about my little one as I listened to the speeches and raised a glass to the couple. What if she cried all the time? Was my sister tearing her hair out? I called several times out of concern.
The experience made me think
My fears were irrational, I know. Still, they felt real to me. We left the lively reception early to pick up our child.
The experience made me think. I finally understood why our friends who were parents had declined our wedding invitation. They hadn't felt comfortable leaving their kids behind.
I'm not planning to get married again anytime soon — it's been 18 years, and I'm still happy with the man I chose. However, if I had a do-over, I'd invite all my friends' children. Their presence — and that of their moms and dads — would have made our day even more special than it was.
I haven't had the guts to apologize to the families whose children we banned. To their credit, they've never let it affect our relationship. Gracious friends, indeed.