4 Science-Backed Signs You're Headed For Divorce

“Curveball divorces,” or those which blindside one member of a splitting couple, are apparently on the rise. 

But according to research conducted by Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman of the Gottman Institute (GI), there are four “horsemen” which pretty consistently spell relationship disaster. 

The researchers, who studied couples and relationships for five decades, use the horsemen metaphor (in the Bible the four horsemen – Conquest, War, Hunger, and Death – herald the apocalypse) as a way to describe the collapse of a relationship.

Their terms, meanwhile, describe “communication styles that, according to our research, can predict the end of a relationship”.

What are the “four horsemen” of separation? 

1) Criticism

This, the experts say, is different to offering your partner critiques or bringing up the odd complaint with them. 

Instead, it’s about acting as if an issue with your partner says something fundamental about that person: “an ad hominem attack”. 

So, rather than saying “I feel unappreciated when the bin bag is allowed to get too full. We agreed that was a task you would undertake,” you might say, “You’re lazy, messy, and selfish”. 

This doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, said the GI. But, “It makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt, and often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into an escalating pattern.” 

Try using “I” statements (“I feel scared when...”) and suggesting a positive change if you want to make corrections, rather than being critical.

2) Contempt 

“While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them,” the GI shared.

It means you approach your partner with sarcasm, ridicule, and/or mockery: you might roll your eyes, make fun of them, repeat what they said in a silly voice, or call them names. 

For instance, a contemptuous member of a couple might say, “Boo-hoo, I’m SO sorry that working a desk job is making you so ‘tired’. Try spending one day at my job, you’d never survive, you’re being such a baby.”

This is so corrosive to a relationship that it can lower a couple’s physical immune system. It is, the GI said, the “single greatest predictor of divorce”.

Building a “culture of appreciation” can help to remedy contempt; learning to notice and be grateful for the small things may be transformative.

3) Defensiveness

This is common among rocky relationships and can arise when criticism is high. 

A defensive partner may feel that criticisms of them are unjust, so instead of addressing them head-on, they may reverse the “blame” on their partner, and/or try to seem innocent. 

For instance, if your partner had made the complaint about not taking the bin bag out we mentioned earlier, a defensive person might say, “I’ve been busy making money to finance the holiday you wanted. Why did you look at an overflowing bin and not simply take it out?”

It can be a natural enough response to criticism, the GI said, and “will only escalate the conflict if the critical spouse does not back down or apologise.”

Taking responsibility and apologising can go a long way to reducing the harm here. 

4) Stonewalling 

Often a response to contempt, “stonewalling” involves one partner simply withdrawing from their partner and refusing to talk to them. 

They might act busy, turn away, or tune out. It can happen because the other three “horsemen” are overwhelming, and can become a hard habit to break once it’s been formed. 

If you want to break the habit, try taking a short, soothing break, like reading for 20 minutes, before returning for a fully present discussion.