'I Read My Teen's Messages And Saw Something Inappropriate. How Do I Handle It?'

Most children of secondary school age (we’re talking 12- to 15-year-olds) have a smartphone – and some of them will be allowed to have one on the condition they’re happy to give their device up every now and then for their parents to check. 

But what happens if, during one of these checks, you spot something that makes your heart sink? And what about if your teen hasn’t given you permission to check their phone, but you’ve seen a notification flash up that’s left you worried?

It’s a minefield – and there’s no set rule for tackling this, as everyone’s situation will be different. That said, experts have shared their thoughts on how to approach this tricky moment, without causing a huge rift. 

If you DO have consent to look at your child’s phone...

Counselling Directory member Bella Hird told HuffPost UK parents who have an agreement in place with their child where they can do spot checks “are in a very good starting place”.

“Think of your child’s phone a little as you would think of the world. They need your support to navigate it. There will be places and situations that, until they reach a certain age, you would not let them wander off into unsupervised,” she said.

If there’s a message on their phone that worries you, the therapist advises having a chat with your child about it: “Approach the conversation with your child with honesty and curiosity. So for example, explain ‘this kind of message really worries me and I want to know we are keeping you safe, can you explain to me a little about the context?’.”

She then urges parents to allow their child the space to explain. Try not to react in fear or anger as this will simply shut the conversation down. Punishments will simply drive a wedge further, too. 

Education and child psychologist Dr Sasha Hall said the key here is offering a calm and proportionate response, rather than punishment. 

If messages involve adult or sexualised content, the psychologist said key considerations include: whether the material is age-appropriate; whether there is any risk, pressure or coercion; and whether the young person understands boundaries and consent.

“Adolescence is a stage where children need increasing autonomy and privacy compared to earlier childhood, but this should be matched with developmentally appropriate safeguards,” she added.

“The aim is not to remove independence, but to support safe decision-making while those skills are still forming.”

Bird added that it’s important to help your child understand that it is OK to make mistakes and that being open with you will ultimately end with them feeling supported with potentially difficult or dangerous scenarios.

“Explain to your child what it is about the message or what you have seen that has concerned you and ask them if they understand your worries,” she said.

“They will probably tell you there is nothing to be concerned about, in which case ask them to explain more.”

There might be times when you think your child is in danger – for example, they are being groomed – in which case, you will need to take action. Bird said “it is really important to try to take your child on that journey with you”.

She advised: “Explain to them why you are doing what you are doing it and give them as much agency as possible – so, for example, in the case that you need to involve the police, you should explain that you need to do that and why, and let them know what is likely to happen. But give them choices like ‘would you like me to explain to them or would you like to?’ and ‘who would you like with you?’

“Avoid making them feel punished or ashamed because these experiences are a real barrier to connection and collaboration. They are still learning about the world and that’s OK.”

If you DON’T have your child’s consent to look at their phone

If you don’t have your teenager’s consent to look at their phone – and you’ve done so and seen something that is cause for concern – Bird suggests asking yourself two questions.

Firstly, what is the worst thing that will happen if I address this? And secondly, what is the worst thing that will happen if I don’t address this?

“I am sure the answer to the first question involves making a teen angry and having an impact on levels of trust, but the answer to the second question is likely to make your decision to act or not pretty simple,” she added.

“When talking to your teen, take responsibility. Apologise for not being open with them about looking at their phone, but explain your reasons for doing so.”

Dr Hall noted that in this instance, repair becomes especially important. 

“Acknowledging the breach of trust, explaining the concern clearly, and working together to renegotiate boundaries helps model accountability and respect,” she said. 

“Repairing trust is often more impactful than the original rule-setting, as it teaches young people how relationships recover after mistakes.”

Once you have resolved the matter of concern, talk to your teen about how you will balance privacy and safety moving forward.

Dr Hall concluded: “Ultimately, phone safety is not about constant surveillance. It is about gradually teaching young people how to manage privacy, boundaries and risk online, while maintaining an open, supportive line of communication so they know they can ask for help when they need it.”