Asking Eric: My mother has become a vicious gossip, and it’s destroying our family
Dear Eric: My mother is 88 and recently entered a nursing home. She has not been diagnosed with any specific mental deterioration, though she has become very forgetful.
The problem is that she is a voracious gossip. She has always had a proclivity toward spreading gossip, but she seems to be getting worse, and I am finding it almost impossible to listen to her.
I try to steer our conversations toward positive things, but she seems to have about a two-sentence tolerance before she launches into something scathing. It doesn’t seem to matter who the person is – my brothers, my sisters-in-law, her grandchildren, my aunts and uncles, friends, neighbors. Everyone is fair game for her vicious tongue.
More and more frequently I do not take her incoming calls, and when I do, I end the call when I can no longer bear her negativity about our family. She is driving wedges between all of us and destroying the family.
She is not open to even mild criticism and has no ability to self-evaluate. One of her granddaughters confronted her and that granddaughter is now persona non grata, never to be forgiven.
What can I do, short of blocking her phone number and waiting for the funeral?
– Gossip Gets My Goat
Dear Gossip: If you have her consent to talk to her doctors or care team, you might ask if the worsening gossip could be attributed to her memory issues and if there are ways to address it.
But, even if there are ways of staunching the tide of negativity, it seems this proclivity is a core part of who she is.
When a loved one’s habits or personality quirks bump up against our values, we have to set internal boundaries to preserve the relationship. It sounds like you’re doing that already by getting off the phone when you can’t take it anymore. But the next step might be saying something directly, even at the risk of inciting her anger.
“Mom, I don’t like hearing this kind of negative talk and it makes me uncomfortable. I want to listen to you, but I can’t do that if we can’t find something else to talk about.” A statement like that is fair and clear and, importantly, resets the bounds of the relationship on your side.
It’s up to her whether she’s going to honor those bounds or not. Judging from her response to her granddaughter, she may not. But if that’s a consequence she chooses, she brings on herself.
If you aren’t upfront about what you need, her behavior is going to cause deep resentment. I know you’re trying to avoid conflict but think of it this way: You’re already in conflict; by speaking your mind, you take a step on a path to resolving said conflict. It’s up to her to join you.
Dear Eric: My significant other and I have been together 10 years now.
Lately, since he reconnected with childhood friends, we stopped doing things together. We stopped doing things as a family (we have children). He is with his friends all of the time.
I expressed how I felt and gave suggestions on how we can balance and improve, but he only gets defensive.
I feel like I should walk away at this point. He is 48, I’m 37. How should I deal with this?
– No Family Time
Dear Time: Short of walking away, counseling is an option. It sounds like you’ve tried proactive solutions like trying to calendar together.
The way we spend our time is a reflection of what we value. If he’s getting defensive when you point out how his values are coming across to you, a counselor may be able to break through and clear the air.
You shouldn’t have to beg for his attention, though. He has responsibilities to the family, and your marriage won’t flourish without quality time. He needs to rethink his choices.
Dear Eric: I have a friend/neighbor who moved in across the street in January 2014. We see each other often, at my house or hers, and go out to dinner about once a month.
She has never acknowledged my birthday. I don’t expect a gift, dinner or even a card. Just say “Happy Birthday!” This past July marks the 12th one with no greetings. Do you find this odd?
By the way, I always remember her birthday.
– Unhappy Birthday
Dear Birthday: I can’t help but wonder if she has your birthday written down. It’s been going on so long, maybe she doesn’t know when your birthday is. Or maybe she’s not thoughtful in the way that you’re thoughtful. Maybe she’s thoughtful in other ways.
There’s no reason to stew over this for 12 years. If it’s important to you, it’s fine to say, “Today’s my birthday. Would you wish me happy birthday?”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.