Harriette Cole: I ditched my boyfriend because of the drama at church
DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, I started attending a new church at the invitation of my significant other.
I’ve been enjoying the services and sermons, but upon attending, I realized that my partner is quite popular with the ladies there — which may be why he waited so long before inviting me. No one was rude to me, but I heard women whisper about him sometimes and even make passes at him.
The rumors and flirtation became excessive to me, and I decided we should break up.
Nevertheless, I am still on a path of getting better acquainted with my faith. I have built some promising friendships there with genuine-seeming congregation members and leaders. I would love to continue attending this church, but now it feels awkward and forced. I don’t want to impose on my ex’s space, but I want to keep exploring my faith.
— The Perfect Church
DEAR THE PERFECT CHURCH: Clear things up with your ex before immersing yourself in his church.
Even though you broke up with him, ask him if he would be willing to meet and talk with you about something important. Thank him for introducing you to his church. Tell him how meaningful the experience has been thus far, and share with him that you would like to continue attending even though the two of you are not together anymore. Ask him how he feels about that.
If you didn’t discuss the breakup before, talk about that, too. If you really liked him but didn’t like the flirtation, make it crystal clear what prompted you to end the relationship.
Ask him if he thinks he could be comfortable with you being part of his church community without being his girlfriend. Out of respect, make sure he’s OK with that before settling in.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a text thread with a group of some of my closest friends. We’ve all known each other for more than 15 years.
This week, someone left the group chat abruptly. I asked if anyone knew what that was about, and no one responded.
I reached out to the friend who left the chat. I didn’t want to pry, so I asked how things were going; she did not respond.
Since then, she has been posting on social media about not feeling supported or understood. She’s also commented on some of my social media posts, which makes me believe that our personal friendship is still intact.
Do you think it’s OK to give her a call and see what may have gone wrong? Or am I meddling?
I know what it’s like to feel isolated or unheard, and I’d hate it if she did not at least have a friend to lean on when she’s upset about something.
— Group Chat
DEAR GROUP CHAT: You have a longstanding friendship. Definitely reach out to her, but rather than probing about why she left the group, invite her to get together with you.
Do your best to connect with her without inquiry. Allow your long bond to reconnect you. If she agrees, maybe you two can get close, and you can be a support to her.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.