Child Being Left Out By Their Friends? Therapist Advice On How To Help

There’s something particularly hard about hearing your child has been left out by their friends – perhaps it was a one-off where they sat alone at lunch, or maybe it’s the more pervasive kind of social exclusion where they’re left wondering: why don’t my friends want to play with me anymore?

Whatever it is, as a parent, you probably want to scoop them up and make sure nobody can ever hurt their feelings. But this isn’t possible – and actually, it’s how we support and guide them through these moments that ultimately helps them learn how to cope when future troubles strike. 

If your young child’s going through something similar, we spoke to Kemi Omijeh, a BACP registered child and adolescent therapist, about how parents can best support their kids through these tricky social times.

1. Listening to them is crucial

When a child tells you they were left out, listening can be enough in some instances – “we shouldn’t underestimate the impact of listening, particularly active listening,” Omijeh told HuffPost UK.

“This means being fully present to hear what your child is sharing and offering them emotional validation and support.”

It can be very tempting to problem-solve and offer reassurance, but the therapist notes we run the risk of not giving our child’s emotions the time and space they deserve, and also not giving them the opportunity to process and resolve the challenge themselves.

She advises you could offer emotional validation instead, by saying:

• “That sounds really hurtful/sad/upsetting”
• “I can see why you’d feel upset/angry/left out”
• “It makes sense that you wanted to join in.”

2. Show curiosity

If your child opens up to you about feeling left out, gently show curiosity. You could say something like, “I wonder how that made you feel?” or, if they’re visibly upset: “I can see that you are sad telling me this story, were you able to share your sadness with anyone at school?”

“By focusing on emotional validation and giving them the emotional language to express themselves, your child can feel heard, understood, and emotionally held,” said Omijeh, and the experience may pass without needing intervention.

But if you support them through this moment, and the issue persists over a significant amount of time and it begins to impact your child’s day to day activities and emotional wellbeing, an intervention may well be needed – whether that’s speaking to their school or the parents of your child’s friends. 

3. Focus on boosting their emotional literacy 

To help your child have healthy and appropriate responses to life’s events, Omijeh suggests we can help build on their emotional literacy – the ability to understand, express and cope with emotions.

“In the context of feeling left out or not being chosen, we want to support our children to develop an internal sense of worth, language to express their emotions and advocate for themselves, and the ability to seek solutions where possible,” says the therapist.

Children who have a strong sense of self are less likely to take rejection personally, she adds, so it’s important to work on affirming and celebrating who they are and their interests. Expanding their social world by looking at clubs and special interest activities they enjoy can be helpful in achieving this. 

You can also help build their self-esteem by giving specific and positive feedback about the positive things you observe them doing. So, for example: “You’re so thoughtful” or “I noticed that you helped your sister with that task, how helpful”.

You could also help your child explore and practice what they might say in a scenario where they feel left out by their friends. Role playing with toys can support this.

If they keep being left out, what’s the best course of action?

The therapist advises parents to pay close attention to the frequency and patterns of being left out, and then consider the context and ask these questions:

• Is this happening occasionally, or daily?
• Is it one peer, or the wider group?
• Is there teasing, humiliation, or power imbalance?
• Is my child withdrawing more generally?
• Is the school aware? Is it being addressed?

“Gather information with those questions in mind, without interrogating your child; instead create a safe, ongoing dialogue,” she suggests.

“Support your child’s agency and voice by asking them what they think might help?” The therapist adds it’s OK if your child doesn’t have a solution, but it’s important they are asked the question.

Once you’ve acquired all the information you need, speak to the school or childcare setting, focusing on the facts and the impact on your child. You can then invite the school to share their observations and work together to come up with a support plan.