Winter Olympics Chronicles
I followed the Winter Olympics very closely. As you know, I’m a huge sports fan — especially of a sport called Jutta Leerdam — so I didn’t miss a single one of her competitions, though I can’t quite remember what sport she actually competes in. In fact, I don’t recall seeing any snow or ice on her broadcasts. It’s utterly paradoxical that someone like Jutta participates in an Olympic Games defined by cold. She won a gold medal. I received a bronze medal myself upon learning she has a boyfriend, Jake Paul, who is also a boxer. I suppose my feelings on this can only be described as facing defeat with true Olympic spirit.
This year, the Games featured 15 disciplines. Biathlon is skiing while shooting — that was already done by troglodytes. Bobsleigh is a sport where everyone wins: surviving a descent at 60-90 mph inside a synthetic shell without losing a limb is victory enough. Nordic combined is skiing plus acrobatics. Curling was invented by women so their husbands would become familiar with the basics of broomstick handling. Luge is like bobsleigh, but with a higher chance of burning your rear, and skeleton is like luge, but with broken teeth instead of a burnt butt.
Figure skating is designed for romantic comedy readers who want to watch “sport” on TV.
Freestyle skiing is the “street skating” of people who usually enter the country legally. Alpine skiing was invented so bars could show relaxing images on TV. Cross-country skiing is the same as alpine skiing, only more boring. Ice hockey is a sport where gold inevitably goes to Canada — or some other team. Figure skating is designed for romantic comedy readers who want to watch “sport” on TV. Speed skating, meanwhile, was invented so that girls rejected from figure skating for not being sexy enough could still glide around the rink at the Winter Olympics. (RELATED: Putting Pizazz Into the Winter Olympics)
One of the most famous events is ski jumping, commonly used to detect pessimists. A pessimist can lurk unnoticed in a crowd under the harshest conditions without revealing their true nature. But when faced with a ski jumping championship, they can’t help themselves: at the crucial moment of a jump, they always mutter, “This guy’s going to die.”
Finally, snowboarding, arguably the most famous Winter Olympic discipline, is also the most dangerous. Its two defining traits: one, watching it makes you desperately want to try it yourself; two, it looks deceptively easy. Nordic cemeteries are filled with people who thought they could snowboard.
The Winter Olympics are always a superior moral and aesthetic experience compared to the Summer Games. Athletes are more attractive, and you see less sweat. Elegance abounds, partly because physical contact is minimal — and deadly in most disciplines. A crash in bobsleigh or speed skating is always a final, definitive crash.
Dave Barry once wrote, “The problem with winter sports is that — follow me closely here — they generally take place in winter.” Perhaps that’s why, considering the bitter cold, it’s socially acceptable — and even comforting — for both athletes and spectators to consume generous amounts of alcohol to keep warm, which makes watching hundreds of people sliding on various contraptions for hours far more bearable.
And that concludes today’s lesson, dear readers, on the fascinating world of winter sports. Now that I’ve been writing for a while, I can’t help but wonder: Is Jutta Leerdam still dating someone? Come on, Jutta — make my day! I just hope Sydney Sweeney isn’t jealous.
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