What Straight Men Bring Up Most In Sex Therapy

Sexologist comment provided by licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos.

Sexologist and therapist Sofie Roos tells me that, in her job, “straight men regularly seek my help to get guidance” on their sex lives. 

In fact, she said, “I want straight men to know that they’re far from alone” when it comes to physical and mental issues in the bedroom. 

Here, she told HuffPost UK about what straight men bring up the most in her sessions. 

Erectile changes are the most common topic Roos hears

Issues like erectile dysfunction are the “main reason for hetero men seek professional help,” Roos said. 

That can include getting and/or keeping an erection. “Stress, performance anxiety, and increased age are the most common causes.”

The sexologist said premature ejaculation is the next most common topic. 

Thirdly, straight men often come to Roos with concerns about “problematically high and low libido, where a high interest in sex feels difficult to control... while a low libido often negatively affects romantic relationships”. 

And body image concerns, like “being worried about penis size, looks, or one’s sexual skills,” which Roos said are “often affected by porn and unrealistic ideals,” are “common causes that make straight men seek professional sexual help”.

Throughout many of these concerns, the sexologist told us that “performance anxiety is almost always part of the picture.” 

She said the men she sees in her work often don’t feel “man enough”, and “have difficulties... separating sex from performance... many men have been taught that their sexual value is what they can perform in bed.

“Many hetero men have grown up hearing that they should always be strong, know what they want, never show weakness, they should always want sex, and they need to perform.

“To say ‘I can’t get hard’, ‘I’m not in the mood’, or ‘I’m a bit unsure of what to do’ then feels like a threat to the ‘manly’ identity, which makes it way more difficult to talk with a partner or a friend.” 

That, the sexologist said, can mean some straight men wait too long to get professional help. 

What advice does Roos have for straight men?

In general, the sexologist said she wished straight men were less focused on their erections. “Remember that it’s a complicated function, and that it not always will work the way you want it to, just as a woman not always will get wet ― and this is okay, and must not mean that something is wrong,” she said.

“Secondly, I wish that more men could try to separate performance from intimacy. Sex is not a sport, but an emotional experience, and you should therefore shift focus from ‘How do I maximise my accomplishment?‘, to ‘How does this feel between us?’”

This, she told us, can relieve feelings of pressure and lead to better sex.

She also said that some men could benefit from considering lifestyle choices when evaluating their sexual satisfaction. “Diet, exercise, sleep, alcohol and porn consumption,” as well as communication with your partner and stress management, can all play a role. 

Lastly, she said, “don’t stay away from seeking help if you feel you can’t deal with these issues alone. Sexual health is part of your general health, and should be treated that way.”