'My Daughter Confessed To Self-Harming. How Do You Parent This?'

What Kids Are Carrying is a HuffPost UK series focusing on how the nation’s youngest generation is *really* feeling right now – and how parents and caregivers can support them.

When a child or teenager confesses to harming themselves, it can be confusing, not to mention distressing, to hear.

As parents, we want to protect our children. It can feel unfathomable that they’d want to deliberately hurt themselves.

But the reality is, self-harm is one of the issues therapists repeatedly see impacting teenagers. It’s thought between one in 10 and one in four young people have self-harmed.

Counselling Directory member Mandi Simons has noticed girls in particular are more likely to harm themselves than boys. Studies have also shown this.

“Girls are often more likely to turn difficult feelings inward, while boys may express distress more outwardly through anger or behaviour,” she says.

“Many girls are also growing up under intense pressure linked to social media, appearance, and friendships, which can leave them feeling not good enough. They may be especially sensitive to rejection or criticism, and for some, self-harm becomes a way of coping with emotions that feel overwhelming.”

Psychodynamic counsellor Anna Chainska, who is also a member of Counselling Directory, notes that self-harm is “often misunderstood and labelled as ‘attention-seeking’, ‘dramatic’, or even ‘manipulative’” but really it is a coping mechanism.

“It is the nervous system’s attempt to regulate overwhelming emotional states when a child doesn’t yet have the tools to do this in safer ways,” she says. 

My child told me they’re self-harming. What can I say?

A parent recently shared that her 13-year-old daughter had confessed to harming herself. The mum said she chatted to her child about what was going on in her life (school stress and overwhelm came up in conversation), and they spoke about coping strategies.

However a few days later, the teenager mentioned she was having “urges” to harm herself again. 

“She swore she didn’t, but thought that I should know. How do you respond to that, and how do you ‘parent’ this?” the mum asked.

Dr Jess Moody, senior research and evidence manager at Samaritans, notes that when a child discloses they are hurting themselves, what they need most in that moment is emotional support. 

“This means showing that you care and listening without judgement. You don’t need to have all the answers, but just listening and acknowledging how they feel can make all the difference,” she adds.

Try to avoid panic, punishment, or shame, as these can lead to further withdrawal. Instead, Chainska advises focusing on listening so you can help your child feel safe enough to share at their own pace.

Simons notes that “staying calm and responding with care and curiosity helps a child feel safe enough to keep talking”.

“Thank them for telling you and acknowledge how difficult it may have been to share. Try to listen and understand what has been happening for them, rather than rushing to fix things,” she advises.

You could ask gentle questions such as “What’s been feeling difficult lately?” to help open up the conversation. Dr Moody notes that focusing on the feelings behind the behaviour can help your child to feel cared for and heard.  

“Let your child know they don’t need to be apologetic or feel embarrassed. You are there to listen and support them to find a way through,” she adds.

At this point you can begin to gently support your child in building alternative ways to cope, says Chainska, although she notes parents don’t have to do this alone and support from a therapist or specialist can help a child develop safer coping strategies.

“Ultimately, the goal is not just to stop the behaviour, but to understand what is driving it, and to support the child in finding safer, more sustainable ways to regulate their inner world,” she adds.

I think my child is self-harming but they haven’t told me

This situation is difficult and requires great care. “If you are worried but your child has not said anything, it is usually best to approach this gently,” says Simons.

“You might mention that you have noticed they seem more anxious or not quite themselves, and that you are there whenever they feel ready to talk.

“Reassuring them that they are not in trouble and keeping the door open, without pressure, helps build trust over time.”

Chainska notes that children might stay silent for many reasons – shame, embarrassment, being unsure how to talk about it, or worried about upsetting you. 

“In these situations, direct confrontation can sometimes lead to more withdrawal,” she warns. “What often helps more is connection – creating regular, low-pressure moments of one-to-one time, where the child can begin to feel safe enough to open up in their own time.”

Don’t forget to look after yourself throughout all of this

Leaning on close friends and family members can be especially helpful when you’re supporting a child who’s struggling with their mental health. 

Dr Moody urges: “Pay attention to your own wellbeing, and reach out if you too need support.”

While having open and honest conversations with your child about their self-harm can be an important step in them getting the right support, Dr Moody notes the self-harm “might not stop right away” and “it will take time for your child to feel better”.

“But having that open dialogue will help them to feel cared for and allow you to offer help which could include formal support if needed,” she ends.

Help and support:

• Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
• Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
• CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
• The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
• Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.