'Tolyamory' Can Wreck Trust In Your Partner. Here's How To Spot It

Expert comment provided by licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos.

You’ve probably heard of polyamory, or non-monogamous relationships, which can sometimes involve more than two partners. 

When done healthily, these involve open communication, clear boundaries, and frank discussions. 

And while “tolyamory,” which was coined by relationship writer Dan Savage, is a relatively new term, sexologist and relationship therapist Sofie Roos says this kind of permissive behaviour has been happening for ages. 

“I would say that this phenomenon is pretty common,” she told HuffPost UK.

What is tolyamory? 

It’s a combination of the words “polyamorous” and “tolerate”. It refers to a relationship where some indiscretion – be it flirting, flings, or inappropriate messages to other people – is understood to be going on in the relationship, but is never discussed openly. 

One partner usually turns a “blind eye,” Savage said. 

Roos told us people can be hesitant to bring up behaviour outside of the implied or stated boundaries of their relationship, “to protect the safety, peace, the family, to avoid conflicts or because it feels scary to open a door you might not be able to close again”.

And while the sexologist doesn’t think tolyamory is absolutely always terrible, she does think it usually comes with an imbalance of power.

“If two adults actively choose... this quiet agreement... I think it’s up to them,” she said.

“However, the problem is that this most often isn’t a mutual decision... [often], one tolerates, and the other one takes liberties. The one who’s the victim doesn’t feel they can say what it really costs them emotionally as they’re afraid of the consequences, which leads to a toxic situation.” 

How can I tell if I’m in a “tolyamorous” relationship? 

“The most obvious sign is that there are situations where boundaries have been crossed, moments which you both know you should talk about,” but nobody brings them up, shared Roos. 

You might also sense an invisible “line” of candour about suspected, or known, indiscretions. These don’t have to involve outright cheating: it can also include unspoken feelings about an ex, a slightly-too-close relationship with a coworker, or “a general feeling around how your partner gives other people romantic appreciation”.

Perhaps, “you aren’t asking the questions you wanna ask, maybe because you don’t want to hear the answer, or... you tell yourself it’s better to keep the peace than to be honest”. 

Your relationship could look, and even feel, great on the outside or the inside. But the two of you have “shut off” some lines of communication.

“To me, the problem seriously starts when this turns into you not being able to trust your partner, and when you start putting your own feelings aside to spare peace between you, which... tends to lead to a toxic relationship where you also start to step over the line with others instead of setting boundaries,” said Roos.

When should I consider tolyamory a dealbreaker? 

If you identify with some of this and aren’t sure whether it should be a dealbreaker, Roos says you should consider your sense of ownership in the decision.

“In my opinion, it should be a dealbreaker when the tolerance no longer is made out of free will, but is something you do out of feeling powerless, broken down or afraid of losing the relationship,” she shared. 

That includes regularly feeling uncomfortable with your dynamic, constantly comparing yourself to others, losing your self-esteem, or feeling that your needs always have to come last. 

“Another red flag is if the person uses confusion to their advantage in a way where they want to be free to do whatever they want, but without taking
responsibility, checking in on you, or giving you the same freedom,” she said.

If that’s the case, you’re likely facing an “imbalance” where it feels as though “one partner sets the boundaries for the relationship without you being a part of it”.

Ultimately, when silence is used to avoid responsibility, when you feel unable to tackle difficult topics head-on, and when you’re staying more out of fear than love, try to “think over the situation”, Roos warns, as the price for your relationship “is too high to pay”.