Doom modder puts the Slayer in true hell: A minimum-wage fast food job that's 'psychological warfare only rivalled by the likes of Desert Bus or that one mission from Dying Light 2'

31 years ago, Edge magazine's review of the original Doom plaintively asked why you couldn't talk to the monsters, in a moment that has become enshrined alongside 'guy is bad at Cuphead' and 'man cheats at Sekiro' in games journalism history. Thing is, though, Edge had a point. Actually, it didn't go far enough. Not only should we be able to talk to the monsters, we should be able to break bread with them, to welcome them into our homes under the sacred law of hospitality.

Well, three decades on, this bold vision is finally reality. Meet Put The Fries In The Bag, a mod for Doom 2 from creator SlendyMawn that turns the Slayer from killer to griller, serving up fast food to imps, pinkies, and cacodemons while potentially violating several tremendously powerful copyrights, but let's not focus on that.

The mod—or WAD, really, but let's stick to language we're all familiar with—sticks you behind the counter at a familiar fast food venue. Your task: to give the customers the precise numbers of fries and "borgor" they ask for. Simple enough, but it all gets exponentially more complicated the longer you go on.

By the time you've fulfilled a few dozen orders, your customers are asking for 300+ fries and 200+ borgor, and you'll have to painstakingly click the correct number of times to keep them happy. Also, some of them just want to use the bathroom. The author calls it "psychological warfare only rivalled by the likes of Desert Bus or that one mission from Dying Light 2."

In the announcement post, SlendyMawn says the project took them "about half a week" to gin up, which I find a bit astounding. Not only does the mod accurately capture the general malaise of working the night shift at a minimum-wage fast-food job, complete with an exhaustively detailed restaurant in which to ply your greasy wares and a "Put The Fries In The Bag remix" of Doom's music, but there are multiple layers to its madness. Successfully serve 100 customers and you'll get promoted to regional manager, ascending to the heady heights of fast-casual aristocracy and never having to do real work again.

Except serving 100 customers would take, per SlendyMawn, "hours," and you have to do it all in one go. Loading a save just gets you incinerated, which I can neither confirm nor deny is a policy in actual fast-food employee contracts.

So, you know, good luck. If you want to put the fries in the bag, you'll need GZDoom and DOOM2.wad, both of which are very easy to get your hands on.