The White Sox are YOUR problem now
What will you do to fix this team?
Let’s live in a fantasy world for a bit.
First off, Chris Getz has been ousted due to being terrible. While doing a quick-to-nonexistent search, Human Resources descended upon the ballpark to fill the spot. Someone taps you on the shoulder after seeing the way you managed to carry a beer, nachos, and a churro without dropping anything. The HR manager says to you, “Congrats! You’ve just been selected to run this Chicago White Sox team.” (Or maybe, “sorry.”)
Now you’ve got to figure out your next steps.
Curious, I asked the people on Twitter to tell me the first move they would make if they took over the team.
Many answers were pretty unoriginal, only saying they would immediately quit, so those won’t be included. However, there were plenty of clever or downright funny answers.
This was what my replies have looked like over the last 12 hours:
A lot of movement across the farm system via demotion, trades, or to teach these guys a lesson.
Send Vaughn to the farm
— Scarlett Coronado (@Tigresa_de1810) April 24, 2024
Bring up the water boy
Hope for the best.
Call up the AAA roster, send down the
— Mike Maksym (@MikeMaksym) April 24, 2024
major league roster. Cant be worse. At least AAA players would fight to stay up
Bench Benintendi for at least a week for gagging on that pop-up in the 9th, send Vaughn to AAA to figure out how to hit, sell Maldonado’s contract to a team in the Alsip Little League
— Bob Satnan (@b_satnan) April 24, 2024
Perhaps a more spiritual approach is needed.
A seance to look for answers
— Kjell Hilding (@KjellRules) April 24, 2024
— pea brain (@zombie_jacki) April 24, 2024
Perform devil magic to make this team good
— CJ (@DuckMan2798) April 24, 2024
There were some interesting answers involving Jerry.
moon my boss
— jesse spector (@jessespector) April 24, 2024
Fight my boss
— Josh White (@jdwhite753) April 24, 2024
Does holding my boss hostage to force him to sell the team count as a managerial move?
— Asinwreck (@asinwreck) April 24, 2024
Lead the players in a walkout. This team was constructed to fail.
— Coach Sexton (@bwsexton) April 24, 2024
And plenty of milkshake references.
Give the campfire milkshake the job bc that would do better than any managing the whitesox
— Austin Zee (@Austin_Z101) April 24, 2024
Get rid of the milkshake!
— Tina Willis-Calzada (@willis3cal) April 24, 2024
Get the team some special shakes pic.twitter.com/3LUZNLfHjR
— The Soxside Boys (@Soxsideboys_) April 24, 2024
Quite a few people will be fired and replaced.
Fire Ethan Katz. DFA Moncada. Fire the new TV guy. Fire the security guard who kicked me out of the lot for tailgating during the game. Recruit the kids running the 90 in the Kid zone. Immediately promote them to the lineup. As long as they stretch and don't tear some.. cont
— MGW (@mgw5412) April 24, 2024
Fire the training staff.#WhiteSox https://t.co/VNKArv4b4P
— Chi-Town Darksider (@ChiTownDarkside) April 24, 2024
Bringing in Greg Maddux as my pitching coach.
— Mitch Rogge (@MitchRogge) April 24, 2024
Frank Thomas, as my hitting coach.
Ricky Henderson, as my 1st base coach.
3rd base coach can stay.
Bullpen coach Dennis Eckerseley
Ozzie Gullien as bench coach
Inf coach Roberto Alomar Jr
OF coach Alex Gordon
Pray before every game
Fire everyone, cut every player and sign any little league team out of California. Right now they have a better chance than Jerrys kids
— Jerry Sucks (@cptbooya) April 24, 2024
This in particular one actually sounds disastrous.
Hire most of #WhiteSox Twitter to manage our team
— Mike ChiSox Szn (@shure_michael) April 24, 2024
Some responses were wholesome.
Tell everyone to try their best but most importantly, to have fun out there :^)
— Warren Peace (@WarrenWuality) April 24, 2024
Increased use of analytics in player development. Players need to understand what makes them successful and unsuccessful statistically to improve play.
— Tommy Ryan (@tommyryan1013) April 24, 2024
While others referenced movies.
I would be Tom Hanks circa A League of Their Own https://t.co/orCyZY97I0
— Emy ⚾️ (@mrsstealyobase) April 24, 2024
Make them watch Major League over and over again until they get it. https://t.co/nrewNSSdaS
— Salem Collo-Julin (@hollo) April 24, 2024
Some of the best responses were logical, and others might already be happening under Pedro Grifol’s watch.
I'd tell them to score more runs than the other team.
— Don S. (@DonCorvair) April 24, 2024
Clone all players based off Robert and Chrochet and put the clones in every other position
— Hunter Cisewski (@HCisewski) April 24, 2024
Take them to a little league game/practice and let them get some tips and coaching.
— Anthony (@anthony_tcb) April 24, 2024
1) Reward players for long at-bats (fouls, pitches, walks)
— TaranWanderer (@TarynnWanderer) April 24, 2024
2) Japanese-style hitting
3) Directional hitting
4) Alternative defensive, outfield arrangements
5) Female coaches
Put myself in the line up. I’ve had my eyes on second base for awhile now.
— Joe Moran (@thejoemoran) April 24, 2024
I’d make all pre-game stuff mandatory. Then, I’d ask each player how they respond best to failure/adversity, as well as success so I’d (hopefully) be able to treat them accordingly, resulting in getting the best out of them.
— Ian (@Ian_D23) April 24, 2024
Put all the numbers in a hat and draw out nine hitters and three pitchers for today’s game
— Eric Bernsee (@erbatbg) April 24, 2024
Think of 139 ways to get ejected in the first inning so I can go home early each day
— LBOT In-Demand/Gaming/Tech Drop + deals (@LeBlorstOfTimes) April 24, 2024
Especially with the pitchers.
Post scouts at the fast pitch machine in the concourse at all home games.
— Max Luebbe (@mluebbe) April 24, 2024
Post a listing on indeed dot com for starting pitcher
— Peter G (@PeterTGillette) April 24, 2024
Lastly, a boost in morale is needed.
Draft the savannah bananas? ♂️
— 2 minutes for teabagging 12 minute game misconduct (@EkimYelnah) April 24, 2024
Free beer to first 10,000 fans on my first day managing.
— Crooked Robert (@robert10523) April 24, 2024
Now I’ll turn to you, dear reader. What does your plan involve?